My boyfriend lied to me for a month

[Just-Imagine-It]

Me and my boyfriend recently moved in together he came to live with me 12 hours away from home as we felt it was time for us.
We are really good together and the relationship is brilliant but something happened that I just found out about and now it's making me question the relationship completely.

As he was on the coach coming up to me, his friend ( who he was a big history with ) text him asking why he didn't tell her he was moving.
This girl and my boyfriend fell out before me and him got together as he used to be in love with her and all she did was use him and play around with his feelings. She always got in touch when her life was going wrong and never bothered with him any other time, choosing guy over guy over him.
They fell out before we got together as I said, and he promised me because of their relationship and how she made him feel that he'd stop speaking to her.
At christmas he admitted to speaking to her when she rang, crying saying she missed him and was sorry and I went mad and almost broke up with him for being weak enough to answer to her as it could have ruined what we had. Anyway, I gave him another chance and he said he won't speak to her again ever, and he loves me.

A month ago when he moved in he was on the coach coming up to me and he answered the phone to her ( god knows why ) apparently she makes up sob stories and he feels sorry for her.
Anyway he never told me anything about the phone call.
Three days ago she rang him and we were cudding in bed, I heard a voice saying 'Ash, why are you doing this to me, you told me you loved me!' and I say bolt upright, and said who is that?!
He acted stupid saying he had no idea, and then hung up, and I said tell me who it is now... and he said he didn't know, she rung back and he answered but was hesitant and said 'who's this?' and she said who she was.
She hung up and I kept shouting saying who is it?! they knew your name don't lie to me... and he told me it was her. I was so mad, asking why she said that he'd told her he loved her..?!
Finally he said, shall I be honest? and I shouted saying yes tell me! So he said it was her and that she'd rung him on the coach up and said he'd told her he loved her and always would.

I went mad, and snatched the phone off him and she rung back so I spoke to her, asking her exactly what had happened and she openly told me, even reading out texts they'd sent which said things like, I will always love you but I can't have you in my life it's too hard and things like that...

I was in tears, he'd lied to me for a whole month and never planned on telling me any of it, if it wasn't for her calling I probably wouldn't have found out.
I was so upset and started crying so went for a walk, and when I came back I asked him to explain himself. He basically said he loves her but as a friend, they've got a past and have been through a lot so it's hard to let her go, and I said I didn't want to be with someone, who loved someone else and I didn't believe he just loved her as a friend. I finally decided I'd try to forgive him and that he needed to prove himself, so to give me her number, so I can find out if he speaks to her, then it's over.
I also said he needs to prove he's sorry because I was so upset. That night he put stickie notes all over the bedroom with cute little messages from the begining of our relationship saying all things he loved about me, and bought loads of my favourite sweets.

As cute as that was, and nice that he'd tried... i still felt like I couldn't trust him. I'm trying to forgive and forget but i'm finding it really hard it's staying in the back of my mind and I don't know what to do.

Any advise would be really helpful.
Thanks! x

[XxHeroinAndFirexX]

Wow, that is tough.
I'd say if you think he's worth working through this, then so be it. He'll really have to work hard and it will be some time before you can trust him but I think if your dedicated you guys can pull through.
If he lies again though, I'd be done. He's already had his chances in my opinion.

[hovla]

you seem terribly insecure and jealous about all this. Forbidding him from talking to people, threatening him to break up because she called him and he answered. dafaq? You cant forcibly make someone get over someone he cared so much for before. and by forcing such stuff you are putting your relationship on strain. He obviously does have feelings for that girl, but only he knows if those are friendly or romantic. In either case your position sucks and he needs to figure out himself what he wants, if you keep such pressure on him you are increasing chance he will give up on you and go back to her.

[zachharrison2010]

He was dishonest and shouldn't hide things from you, but tbh I don't blame him. If he feels the need to have a friend in his life then you have no place forbidding it.

My gf allows me talk to whoever I want, regardless of how I felt about them in the past. That is how it should be in a mature relationship.

[Just-Imagine-It]

I didn't forbid him from speaking to her, he himself wanted to stop speaking to her as she was messing around with his head all the time. I only said I didn't want him speaking to her after she kept trying to get between us calling him all the time, whenever she had no one else, and it affected us.
I only have trust issues when it comes to her as I still believe he loves her, and I know I can't control how he feels but I really don't know how to come to terms with it.
I don't tell him who to speak to, all I said was that if we were going to work, he needs to put her and his feelings for her in the past. I've given him two chances I really don't see how I'm in the wrong here.

[zachharrison2010]

I didn't forbid him from speaking to her, he himself wanted to stop speaking to her as she was messing around with his head all the time. I only said I didn't want him speaking to her after she kept trying to get between us calling him all the time, whenever she had no one else, and it affected us.
I only have trust issues when it comes to her as I still believe he loves her, and I know I can't control how he feels but I really don't know how to come to terms with it.
I don't tell him who to speak to, all I said was that if we were going to work, he needs to put her and his feelings for her in the past. I've given him two chances I really don't see how I'm in the wrong here.

If he decides that he wants to talk to her, you are hurting your relationship by forbidding it. You should support your boyfriend's decisions, not try to change them. If he wants to talk to her and you don't allow it, he will anyway. If he prefers her to you then that's what he prefers and you acting jealous and controlling only works against you. If you can't deal with your own insecurities, then don't waste his time and end it. If you decide you do want it to work, then be the best girlfriend you can be and eventually he will likely see that you are what he wants, and he will voluntarily stop communication with her.

[Just-Imagine-It]

You don't understand what she's like though. She's a horrible person who's set out to destroy us and obviously I want to protect my relationship from a person like that, as I love him. He's my world otherwise I wouldn't have allowed him to move into my home. I want us to work and he was very willing to stop speaking to her, and agreed that it was the right thing to do, not once saying he wanted anything to do with her.

[zachharrison2010]

You don't understand what she's like though. She's a horrible person who's set out to destroy us and obviously I want to protect my relationship from a person like that, as I love him. He's my world otherwise I wouldn't have allowed him to move into my home. I want us to work and he was very willing to stop speaking to her, and agreed that it was the right thing to do, not once saying he wanted anything to do with her.

I'm not even going to read past your first sentence. If you are in your relationship for the right reasons, then all that matters is what your boyfriend is like. No exceptions.

[Just-Imagine-It]

The exception is the bitch trying to ruin it.

[zachharrison2010]

The exception is the bitch trying to ruin it.

If you're boyfriend really wants to be with you, nothing else matters. If you're boyfriend doesn't really want to be with you, nothing else matters.

And if you wanted it to work, you would try to facilitate it working by giving your boyfriend your trust.

[Just-Imagine-It]

And if he wanted it to work he wouldn't have lied to me for a month.. how do you trust someone who can look you in the face and lie?

[zachharrison2010]

And if he wanted it to work he wouldn't have lied to me for a month.. how do you trust someone who can look you in the face and lie?

You don't know his motivations for doing what he does any better than I do. But the fact remains that if he wants to be with you, nothing else will matter. And if he does not want to be with you, then nothing else will matter.

[FilterDreaming]

You don't understand what she's like though. She's a horrible person who's set out to destroy us and obviously I want to protect my relationship from a person like that, as I love him.

If you loved him truly you would trust him. If it doesn't work out then its for the best.

[Just-Imagine-It]

I want to trust him, and I did before he lied to me.. but he looked me in the eye and lied straight to my face.

[zachharrison2010]

I want to trust him, and I did before he lied to me.. but he looked me in the eye and lied straight to my face.

Which he shouldn't have done, but you should be able to easily forgive him, if you are being realistic, because you will realize you were acting unfairly about the situation before and terrorized him into being afraid to tell you the truth.

[FilterDreaming]

Which he shouldn't have done, but you should be able to easily forgive him, if you are being realistic, because you will realize you were acting unfairly about the situation before and terrorized him into being afraid to tell you the truth.

This.

I would never even suggest to my boyfriend to stop hanging out with a previous crush of his even if they were acting like this. Remember just be cause he loves you now doesn't mean he automatically stops caring about her. In fact he's probably worried about her.

Also you've got to remember, from what you wrote it sounds like you were emotionally blackmailing him leaving no room for trust.

He shouldn't have lied but you were also in the wrong by trying to control his relationships.

[KittyKatMonster]

id say leave him. he hasnt shown you any respect for what you wish. In a relationship people have to give up certain things. Its inaproppate that hed still be talking to a recent ex.

[FilterDreaming]

He has shown her respect by suggesting he doesn't talk to her but if you care about someone its hard to ignore them if they're claiming to be hurting. It's not inappropriate to talk to an ex at all. Besides she wasn't his ex. She led him on.

The fact is everyone including the OP is at fault here.
- The op shouldn't have emotionally blackmailed her boyfriend into cutting someone out of his life.
- The boyfriend should have been more honest.
- The girl is obviously causing problems (from the OP's point of veiw. The OP may just have jealous goggles).

[honey9605]

Thats awful, if someone ever did that to me id break up with them in a second. She obviously wasnt just a friend since he said "i thought you loved me", and on top of that lying to you about talkin to her. People only lie when theres something to hide. Forbidding him to talk to her would probably make him want to talk to her more tho. But i see where youre coming from. I think if you love him enough and think its worth savin then you should. But if he ever talked to her as more than a friend again, id break it off.

[I_Am_Once_Was]

Fuck the bullshit. Some people don't deserve trust until they can earn it back. Also, you're not going to get anywhere by forbidding your boyfriend to do anything or threatening him. He's got to choose not to fuck around behind your back, not stay true to you because you told him to.