It's long, the majority of you wont read it. But if you happen to. Let me know what you think.
I guess thatís the song that should make me think of you.
But itís not.
Donít get me wrong, I canít even listen to the song.
I donít and I havenít listened to the entire song in 5 years.
If I hear it on the radio, I change the station and pretend I never heard the beginning melody.
Iím so sick of it, I wish you knew how sick of it I am.
The saying ďTime heals all woundsĒ Yea that sayingís bullshit.
All time has given me is more days to fight to forget you.
I tell myself that if I could go back in time, Iíd never look at you. But of course thatís a lie, I hate you but I love you all in the same thought process. I wish you never existed!
You make me feel like I wish I had never existed.
All the days spent making my heart race.
Making my head spin.
Making my stomach jump just at the sound of your name.
Youíve become my obsession. This obsession that destroys me.
I can still remember the feel of your cold lips on a winters night. Your finger tips cooling the back of my neck.
I can feel you pressing against me.
I can never let you read these things! Youíll think Iím crazy!
I shouldnít let anybody read these letters, theyíll think Iím crazy.
I can go through a day, sometimes days not thinking of you.
I think that Iíve finally beat your memory! Iíve defeated you!
I can live, I can breathe!
Then something reminds me of you. Why are things still doing that? Thereís nothing left of you, youíve been gone for so long. Thereís nothing left, weíre nothing. Weíve moved on, weíve fallen in love.
So why is your presents still lingering in song lyrics, in stories of peoples pasts, in the roads my mind shuts down on.
This is killing me.
Maybe itís because you were the first thing I ever loved, and I mean truly loved.
Loved with everything I had in me, the first person to ever hold my heart.
Or maybe itís because youíre the first person to ever break it. To break me into a million pieces.
Iím not using heart break as an expression.
When I use the term ďHEART BREAKĒ I want you to feel your heart break. The crack down the middle tearing it in half. Then maybe you might be beginning to comprehend my pain.
I sat in darkness and torture.
Wrecking my mind over what I had done wrong, I wasnít good enough, I hadnít tried enoughÖ..
You never loved me.
You werenít in flames when I was gone.
I was in flames.
I donít remember the remaining days after you were gone.
I donít remember looking at people, I donít remember what my voice sounded like or if I ate or not.
All I remember is darkness.
I burned in the inferno for months.
My tears were beginning to leave a rash on my face from the constant stream.
Iíd excuse myself from classes to cry in the bathrooms.
I donít know why you had that kind of hold on me.
I suppose time has worked in my favor for one thing. Iím not burning anymore.
I could have loved you forever. I will love you forever, Iíll love you alone.
Never spoken of to any living object.
Youíll never even know the depthsÖ.Because Iíll never tell you.
This is the song that reminds me of you.
Coincidentally, this is the song my heart stayed in.
I hope you never experience the pain in which I felt while I listened to this song and watched the moon peak through the midnight clouds.
I watched that moon all night, thinking of nothing and everything.
I forgot what things smelled like, I cried so much I hadnít smelled a single sent in months.
The expression on my face was blank, blank like the depths of a thousand seas. I was catatonic. Re-playing the last sweet photograph permanently torched into my mind.
To this second of this typed word I remember that goodbye.
I donít know if it was intentional, Iíve kissed your lips after that . But something told me, from the minute your lips touched mineÖ.
That this was the end. You pulled me back into you and you held me so that the world couldnít touch me from the outside.
My head floated in the palms of your hands while you held my face and planted that last sweet sweet kiss on my lips.
My heart was dancing. But you were letting me go. Youíve kissed me a million times before and I knew that youíd never kiss me like this again.
I gave myself the benefit of the doubt in fear of letting my own heart know the truth in which my mind had already discovered.
You were leaving me.
I swore that if I didnít curl up as tight as I could and hold my knees to my pounding chest that I would fall into pieces.
It started as a dull ache. I knew your heart was letting go of mine.
Then came the fire. I felt like I was losing parts of me. If I didnít hold myself and rock to sooth myself, I feared my heart would stutter and falter.
You were all I could think about, youíre all I wanted.
How could you not want me back.
That was my down fall. My greatest down fall. Not only did you change my heart but you damaged my life.
I never got to tell you how much I missed you, I did everything I could to stay away from you. But some how the world always stopped spinning right in front of you.
Like my life was meant to be still at that moment.
I have to talk to you, please you have to talk to me!
I know I shouldnít do this.
I hate you. I want you to know.
That I hate you.
Please, rewind the world and take me back to that day when our eyes first met.
Take me back to the day we became inevitable and donít say a word to me.
Please do it, so that I donít have to wish I should have.
I know youíll never read this, itís probably for the bestÖ.
Because youíll think Iím crazy.
And I doubt that nobody else will have taken the time to read to this line, so youíll never know Iím crazy.
I wish I could just hear you say you Love me, one last time. I wish I could feel your kissÖ
just one last time.
But I knowÖ
should I ever be so luckyÖ.
You will leave again, like you have time and time before.
And I will burn in the inferno again.
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Thread: Letters I'll never give you.
04-10-2012 01:29 AM #1
Letters I'll never give you.Follow me? <3 saebae0517.tumblr.com
"What's worth it is never easy."
04-10-2012 02:10 AM #2
Wow....There is something beautifully poetic about this...while it may be rough and hardly a poem, there is potential for a masterpiece in there.
I sense this was written from personal experience. Okay, it's obvious. What you're going though isn't easy, is never easy, and won't be easy. But the solemnness of your heart and the determination to let go is what you need to hold on to. There are a million songs that could describe what your feeling right now, but not one of them matters.
I know what you're going through. I've been there. If you need a friend, know that I am here for you.
You have a beautiful heart...don't let anyone tell you different.Part of my own Radio Show/Podcast!
Check out the Crusader's Talk, Advice and Banter Column - part of the Pregnant Stallion Radio podcast coalition!
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Keep on keeping on folks!
- AnHonestGuy, aka SarfTheMagnifico
04-10-2012 07:26 AM #3
04-11-2012 07:37 PM #4
- Join Date
- Aug 2011
I read it all and found that you've already started to move on and to help this you can realize there is someone out there that will make this person only a fade memory and you will realize that there is a reason it wasn't meant to be. I hope everything gets better for you from here.
04-12-2012 02:14 AM #5
05-24-2012 10:28 AM #6
- Join Date
- Aug 2011
It is an understatement to say that this is extraordinary, and like some said before...you have a beautiful heart and don't let anyone take that from you...thank you for sharing...it really inspired me(: