Please help :(

[surfaddict]

I'm so confused and frustrated and what makes it worse, i think, is that i will soon be 18. i have never really had a "place" in this "sexual orientation world." For as long as I can remember, I have been bi or gay and convinced myself i was straight not gay or bi and all over again, never really figured it out. I never told anyone this, to everyone else i am straight no questions asked, even now. But, one day, back in like 7th grade so that's like 14ish, I told my "best friend" who was actually bi that I thought I was bi, thought that was the safe choice. I told her in front of another friend of ours who was totally cool with everything. They were really open about it and my friend was really happy cause we had possibly something else to talk about. Then time went on and these "friends" just left me behind and had nothing to do with me, because I wasn't cool enough to be around them. Anyways, I had no one to talk to about any of those feelings, about being bi or gay, about liking someone, what i should do, all of that and there was no one there, i was totally alone. i had other friends, but not ones i could trust with something like that. Life went on and I was stuck. 2 years later, freshman year of high school, I run into 2 different friends from 7th grade. We decided to go out to eat and catch up. Well I thought it was a good time to maybe try again, a fresh start with "new" friends. Before telling them, we had planned on coming back to my place to chill for a while before a party we were all, coincidentally, going to. After I told them, they decided they didnt want to do that and didnt even want to go to the party. I was crushed. I later told them I was only joking and to forget all about it, because i didnt want them to spread it around town that i was bi or gay or anything that wasnt "normal" to them. Since then I never told another living soul. I have struggled with many personal issues in my life and I have overcome every single one of them and I am very proud of myself for that. Yet, I still question that one thing, my sexual orientation.

I like guys, that is the "natural" thing where I live and the family i have, military foundation, catholic, typical american family (no offense to any other religion or foundation of course). There is this one guy though who I really like a lot but I know there is no chance of him ever liking me because of out situations and his status and my status at our school. I tend to try and forget about him so I can focus on what I feel is the truth. I dream and wish that there was an easier way out of this craziness. I see or talk to this one guy or I'll see a really hot guy and it'll turn me on and i get all bubbly inside. Then I'll see a girl, who is gorgeous, and she'll turn me on and i get butterflies! i get in such a knot. I dont know how to figure it out. I dont want to choose, but I dont want to be stuck. and for the record, i cant stand drama and dont care much about what people say about me, but still am sensitive. didnt want anybody to think that all that crap in 7th grade is anything like me now, believe me im not.

Anyways, I would never tell my parents i even thought about girls in such a way, even though I have dad who jokingly tells me im gay or when i have a "girl" friend over he'll say to me, so whats your "girlfriends" name?" and a mom who is totally ok with other people being gay, with some restriction due to religious beliefs, but has a bff who is gay.

I literally have no one to talk to about this. no one who i could even ask for advice that is lesbian. no groups in my town. nothing and no one. its very lonely in my world. i have a gay guy friend but he is so loud and proud and i wouldn't dare tell him, def. not one to trust with such a topic.

there are no girls around here i could even pass as a friend to other people and still figure it out on my own and try and be with.

im not trying to sound all sad or dramatic, or anything, i am just tired of having WW3 in my head and in my heart, that sounds a bit corny, oh well. So anybody have anything for me? please i would really appreciate it!

[WesAdam]

Dude. Im only 14 but you described my life word for word. Living in this world in this generation is hard. Ive tryed finding friends but I cnt seem to trust anyone! Im really glad you got all of this stuff out. It helps relieve stress. And I dont think I would have the courage to tell others my problems. I cant say I can offer u much advice of any tips but I want you to know that you have my open ear. You arent alone with these struggles and you will overcome them. The only thing I can say is that I believe that you should fully come out. Its your last year in highschool. If you arent entirely sure about who you are, say you're questioning or that you're bisexual. I have a hard time admitting im bisexual because for me I either want to be gay or straight. If no one suspects that you're bi, join a GSA or start one. Those are the only tips I could give you. And stay strong my friend!! = )

[surfaddict]

Well thanks! I am totally open and have nothing to hide, at least almost nothing. As for you, I think everyone has the courage to do what they strongly feel is honest and true to them self, it's all about timing. You'll have the courage eventually. It's just a matter of realizing that it doesn't matter any more, not after you have certain life experiences, ya know?
As for me, fully comin out, that isn't exactly ideal at the moment. If I did anything it'd be closer to when I move out. That would be ideal as for the courage of doing it, no where near that point yet, but thanks for your confidence. I know what you mean by having a hard time admitting being bi when you feel the need to be one or the other. I had that exact same problem. I was told that bisexual didnt exist. That you HAD to be one or the other otherwise you were an outcast. When I realized that wasnt true all that stress was lifted. Be gay one day and straight another. That sounds weird maybe even stupid but it worked for me for a while. Then I realized I had stronger feelings for girls than guys, so it was a matter of just leaning one way more than another. Trust me, it helps!
I dont think anyone suspects anything, I am very introverted in the beginning. I am not very flamboyant about it either. It'd def be easier if somebody was actually around to hang with, but this will do. Thanks a whole lot again and I am all ears for ya too Stay strong as well, friend! <3

[idek143]

Well it sounds to me like ur bi but i dnt kno wat to tell u bout figuring it out for sure I came out before I had figured things out for sure and i went to a catholic skool in a small very conservative town and everybody was basically cool and nobody gave me much crap about it and I have nvr been happier since I came out and it was like a domino effect I came out and 4 other girls came out to me and it really helped me figure out how I really feel but good luck I really hope everything works out!

[surfaddict]

yeah my friend who came out goes to my school too which is a catholic school and hes the only one out but like he was friends with everyone so it was no biggie for him. and hes one of those people who could care less bout what anyone thinks so he had it easy. and it was so obvious anyways. people dont even suspect so its like if i did it would be like say what??? ya know. and idk how your friends were but i know if one hears everyone hears and that includes my parents which like i said wouldnt be the best thing right now. so that is another worry i have. i mean were you with anybody or single when you came out? i think its easier if youre with someone. i mean dont ya think? i guess i just dont wanna feel even more alone ya know? but thanks though

[Kazzaar]

I have come out to my best friend who is my ex but was just bi curious :/ everyone here knows I'm bi and I think people at my school still suspect it but hey, I shrug it off, my point is find someone maybe even a teacher? To talk to, they should keep it quiet<3

[surfaddict]

thanks

[idek143]

Oh I know those ppl tht could say or do anything but ppl still all love them trust me tht wasnt me haha and my friends not really trustworthy in fact I told one friend the one specific person she couldn't tell and she told her and ur parents mite already suspect it and ppl are much more accepting of bisexuality because there is still the chance of bein with a boy and I was single I didn't find anybody till much later oh and I talked about boys soooooo much tht wen ppl found out i wasn't straight it was so funny their faces were epic haha my friend and I still tlk bout how surreal it seems considering how much I liked boys lol

[surfaddict]

yeah thats true what you said about accepting bisexuality more. i mean i guess i do have someone to tell and she doesnt necessarily care cause she already has a friend that is gay. but it would still be weird. i mean i almost did tell her on friday but it was a little awkward she was havin guy problems (go figure) so that didnt work out. and i trust her and she already knows about everything else. i seriously doubt that my parents suspect it cause my dad doesnt know anything about what happens in my life and my mom doesnt suspect cause, like you, i talk about guys allll the time. my friend who i said i could tell, even she didnt suspect until, maybe now cause i told her when i made out with my friend a few years back dont ask me why i told her that it must have been somethin she was talkin bout lol. so yeah clearly im pretty good keepin this quiet cause she was shocked. yeah i have a feelin the more this comes out for me ill have a few friends with some crazy faces too lol.

[idek143]

Best reaction ever was well my mom who said a threesome doesn't count lol and my friend who at first straight face for ten seconds then her eyes bug outa her head and it was priceless haha and u may as well tell tht one friend they mite be able to help you out well as long as they didnt react badly to the kiss thing and ive been out for like a yr now an the farthest I've been with a girl was a quick peck durin truth or dare haha I think god is against me lol

[surfaddict]

hahaha thats awesome. yeah ill probly tell her soon. she was cool with it before but im still nervous. oh well imma do it. yeah well that was as far as ive gotten with anyone so were in the same boat. lol

[idek143]

haha ya im sure shell b cool with it and this is the worst boat ever! lol i hav a gf halfway cross the country soo ima be in this boat for awhile haha

[surfaddict]

thanks. and that totally sucks. i mean no offense or anything but i would never do that. i did have this one bf like a bajillion years ago who lived half way across the state and that didnt work i think it lasted 2 weeks and we talked like 5 days out of those 2 weeks lol. yeah not my cup of tea. i dont think we ever actually said we broke up. we just quit talking lol. but all you!

[idek143]

Haha trust me I know it's impractical all my friends love reminding me haha but it just happened I never thought it would happen like it did but we tlk everyday an I hav fallen in love like a fool but in the end it'll all hopefully work out she lives where I plan on movin to next year so yay lol and I like long distance for some reason haha I think it cuz I'm awkward in person lol

[surfaddict]

lol. thats cool. love is a funny thing. spontaneous love is the best though i have a friend who is from france and she told me once that that is one of the best things about americans, that were spontaneous. lol that was pretty random but yeah. but thats cool that youll be movin closer to her by coincidence. thatll make things easier, maybe even better your chances of getting out of the boat lol. i guess everyone has their preferences. and im sure you're not that awkward in person lol

[idek143]

Lol I hav ADHD so spontaneous just about describes me lol and I'm awkward cuz I love to make jokes but its too bad I'm not very good at it haha and now the song I'm on a boat is gonna b stuck in my head all day lol

[surfaddict]

hahahahaha that happened to me yesterday now imma have stuck in my head again thanks lol. and like 99% of people suck at crackin jokes thats why they are funny lol.

[idek143]

Lol sooo true u notice this has 300 some views of basically our random convo lol :P

[surfaddict]

haha i did notice that. i wonder how many of those people actually read this whole thing lol

[idek143]

Haha ya kno I prolly would've read it (Im a creep like tht lol) so outa 300 I think atleast maybe 20 read the whole thing haha wat possible creepers!! ;P