i've broken so many
promises, in my life-
so many tears
shed, because of me.
you've done so many
irrational things-
so many tears, you've shed,
because of a passionate moment.
one drunken night
and a surge of lust,
a muttered "yes",
a broken trust,
shocking realization that things can never be
as they were before.
with this ring, you forgive
you tell me it's ok.
with this ring, i can finally share
in the effect i've had on you.
i'm sorry, so sorry
(i know i've said it before)
for the lies, and the anger,
for every slight way i've wronged you.
and you know, you forgive,
you embrace me always,
and show me always,
with this ring.


not my best, but it needed to come out :)
again, comments and criticism always appreciated.

one drunken night
and a surge of lust,
a muttered "yes",
a broken trust,

love that stanza. great writing. i liked this. i liked the message and with the right punctuation it was pretty fluid. what is the ring though? wedding? sorry, sometimes i don't understand some parts of peoples poems. i just think i'm dumb. help me out though. solid writing write more for me to read and comment on

yeah, is it like one of those promise rings, or a wedding ring? plus, some stanzas rhymed...and some didnt, the flow was a little of in my opinion, but the overall message was good. i liked it. :moo:

:) I Loves it! :thmbup: 'course, that wouldn't tell ya whether it's good or not, since I'm biased cuz you sure do rock my sox...but yeah, i still likes it a lot.

OK this is gonna be a tad long, so please bear with me. Mudie, first off, (so you dont get the wrong impression) let me say that i really value your comments to my works. Criticism such as yours has helped me (in my opinon) to become a better writer since i have begun posting here. This is one of the reasons i always ask for any comments/criticism. However, i do feel that, at times, you misunderstand where i'm going with the poem. For instance, the focus in this poem is not the ring, though i will admit the title suggests that, but the feelings and emotion the giving of such a ring evokes in the recipient. I believe that i focused rather effectively upon that, if i didn't feel free to correct me :). The one stanza that rhymed was just an "interjection" (well, thats what i call it...i dunno if it has a technical name). It works its way into a few poems of mine actually, a quick surge of rhythmic rhyme to stress an especially critical point of the poem. i guess i was kinda hoping that the galloping pace and rhyming would make it stand out. As far as my poetry as a whole, it is really quite varied, i promise :D . it's just that i write pretty much to express my feelings about a situation or emotion im having trouble dealing with, and lately ive been going through a lot, so a lot of my poetry has been rather dark and self-deprecating. if you look back at past poems of mine, i think youll see what i mean....the attitudes of my poetry just comes and goes with moods im in.

i really hope this described at least a tiny bit of what i intended when i started writing it...i think it would take an actual conversation to really express my thought, but hey...i tried.

^^^ your problem is (and i admit this is my fault for not clearly narrating) that you think the person referred to as "you" is GETTING the ring, where in fact they are the one giving it to "me".

:)

Originally posted by mudie
Wait, back up. You lost me there. :\

narrator is getting the ring, the poem is basically what is flashing through his head as he receives it.

Originally posted by mudie
I really don't see this. My question is, why would someone receive a ring if they'd had a fling with someone else?

kinda of a personal story involving me and someone else, i dont really feel like itd be good to make it public knowledge on a msg board.

i say we just retire this thead :)