I live in the thoughts of a boy...a voice once told me. I live in the thoughts...the thoughts of a boy...a boy I used to know. A boy I might've known...rather. Not sure where the voice came from...not sure if it was from my heart or mind. Want to know him...want to know him so desperately...want to reach out...tell him I would never let go of his grasp ever again. I want him...need him more than ever. I live in the thoughts of a boy...a voice once told me. A boy...a boy I used to know...used to know...a boy I might've known...might've known, rather. Not sure where the voice came from...not sure if it was from my heart or mind. Now I know...now I know you want me...the voice...the voice came from me...I know you need me. I live...and still live in the thoughts of you. May you never forget me.

Too many elipses. :(

What does that mean?

It means too many of these:

......
......
.......

Also the sentence "A boy I might've known...rather." is weird. Rather? Rather what? Rather whom? You just sort of stopped and then went on to a new thought.

Good point there. I'll try to change it a little.

Originally posted by Jen's_Presence
I live in the thoughts of a boy, a voice once told me. I live in the thoughts, the thoughts of a boy...a boy I used to know. Not sure where the voice came from...not sure if it was from my heart or mind. Want to reach out and tell him I would never let go of his grasp ever again. I want him...need him more than ever. I live in the thoughts of a boy, a voice once told me. A boy...a boy I used to know, used to know. Not sure where the voice came from, not sure if it was from my heart or mind. Now I know...now I know you want me, the voice, the voice came from me...I know you need me. I live and still live in the thoughts of you. May you never forget me.

I hope this is a little better. Not perfect, but better.

It's a little better but really you can use commas instead of the ellipses (...), it would read alot more smoothly. Or you can always seperate on long sentence into two shorter ones.

Hmmmmmm.....true, but the ellipses make the poem longer. :)

A poem doesn't have to be long. Those (...) just well, make it lame like you're trying to stretch the poem out when you don't have to. :shrug:

Here's my edit of it:

I live in the thoughts of a boy, a voice once told me. I live in the thoughts of a boy I used to know. A boy I might have known. Not sure where the voice came from, not sure if it was from my heart or mind. Wanted to know him, wanted to know him so desperately. Want to reach out, to tell him I would never let go of his grasp ever again. I want him, I need him more than ever. I live in the thoughts of a boy, a voice once told me. A boy I used to know, a boy I might've known. Not sure where the voice came from, not sure if it was from my heart or mind. Now I know, now I know you want me. The voice, it came from me. I know you need me. I live, and still I live in the thoughts of you. May you never forget me.

Thats my take on it. :/

Yea...I guess it is better without the ellipses. Thanks for editing it for me. :)