I want curls like this....
but how the hell do I use the curling iron to get them?
:shrug:

Here

Curl the front locks outwards, and the back a mix of forward and outwards.
Put a curler on the top.

Oh, and a lot of product to keep it from undoing.

Go to a mall. There are usually a couple of stands here and there with people trying to sell curling iron or hair Straighteners. They usually do it for you and talk about how good there product are.....anyway, you can just take advantage of that and learn it from them as they do your hair.