it was an assignment i had to do for my English class. i was told to write something that ended unhappily in some way or another.

In One Night

If I could touch your hand, would you feel it?
A simple graze of skin, just to say 'hello.'

If I kissed your lips, would you taste it?
Chocolate and cherries, lingering on your palate.

If I whispered in your ear, would you hear it?
Sweet nothings so divine, tantalizing you.

If I got scared, would you smell it?
The sense of something wrong, of fear in the air.

If I started crying, would you see it?
A single tear in view, rolling down my cheek.

If I died tonight, would you hold me?
Take me in your arms, just one last time.

I think I'm dying tonight...
will you hold me?

I like it, seemingly simplistic yet with a certain je ne sais quoi quality to it. I mean really, what in life does poetry make of us... :rolleyes: Egad.

Hm, I like it up til the last two whatevers. It gets weak at the end.
Nice enough though.

Hm, I like it up til the last two whatevers. It gets weak at the end.
Nice enough though.

writing uplifting poetry is more my thing, so being asked to write something that's more depressing doesn't always work out well. even though it's already been marked and all that, would you have any tips that would have made the ending flow better?

Very good.

ehh... I don't like it at all. Sufficient for English class though =)

Good for its purpose.

Otherwise, no.

Filth.

it would be better if you could isolate a particular problem (or problems, plural) and tell me what i could do to improve.

my english teacher gave me an 82%.

it was an assignment i had to do for my English class. i was told to write something that ended unhappily in some way or another.

In One Night

If I could touch your hand, would you feel it?
A simple graze of skin, just to say 'hello.'

If I kissed your lips, would you taste it?
Chocolate and cherries, lingering on your palate.

If I whispered in your ear, would you hear it?
Sweet nothings so divine, tantalizing you.

If I got scared, would you smell it?
The sense of something wrong, of fear in the air.

If I started crying, would you see it?
A single tear in view, rolling down my cheek.

If I died tonight, would you hold me?
Take me in your arms, just one last time.

I think I'm dying tonight...
will you hold me?

This part could use a better transition (something along the lines of, "Because I'm dying tonight...")

This part could use a better transition (something along the lines of, "Because I'm dying tonight...")

thank you :)

thank you :)

You are welcome.