PDA

View Full Version : a poem I finally finished *excitement*


Will M.
10-16-2004, 04:22 PM
This one took me a long time; 8/2/04-10/16/04.
Don't know what to call it...


Under the modest moonlight, I humbly stand and gaze.
To the stars, I wish for an end to this perpetual maze.
And in the darkness of the skies, hope renders through my eyes,
As cosmic, vibrant, lights shine upon my semi-caustic mind.
Images of constant changing colors cross into my sights;
Spinning aimlessly, while traveling through treacherous times.

Time takes a toll, as my life slowly begins to lose control,
Strucken by an energy of the spirits of our starving souls.
Colors, now run franticly, yet they all look just the same;
Trapped within a force more greater than the power of the pen.
And I step out into the open air, now wishing for a friend,
But alas, the radiant light of victory seems impossible to win.

So I set out to search the lonesome streets in vain.
But a devious voice clammers through my thoughts of mind;
Shall I turn back, or set forth into the cold midnight rain?
The decision is thought provoking, perhaps even dangerous.
How long have I searched, and how long shall the burden remain?
And I’d ramble on to myself as though I were insane.

Now until the rivers of sorrow wash away into the seas,
Life will change dramatically, like the leaves in the Fall.
With the passionate memories along with the beauty I have seen,
I’ve lain upon the mountain grass, listening for a call.
And to the fog in the morning sky, I stare in distant reverie...
An unknown love has handed me the key; at last I’ve been set free.

Spark
10-16-2004, 04:40 PM
*beautiful freedom*

its really good.

overwheming.

googoodollsgeek
10-16-2004, 04:50 PM
*claps very loudly* ahhh it was wonderful! in my opinion it was one of the best poems youve posted... :D

Will M.
10-16-2004, 05:21 PM
Thanks!

ZeppelinKitty
10-16-2004, 06:10 PM
I don't think strucken is a word.

Will M.
10-16-2004, 06:14 PM
Originally posted by ZeppelinKitty
I don't think strucken is a word.

It is, but the original word is "strickin." 'Struken' sounds better though.

Dictionary.com:
"strucken

Strike \Strike\, v. t. [imp. Struck; p. p. Struck, Stricken(Stroock, Strucken, Obs.); p. pr. & vb. n. Striking. Struck is more commonly used in the p. p. than stricken.] [OE. striken to strike, proceed, flow, AS. str[=i]can to go, proceed, akin to D. strijken to rub, stroke, strike, to move, go, G. streichen, OHG. str[=i]hhan, L. stringere to touch lightly, to graze, to strip off (but perhaps not to L. stringere in sense to draw tight), striga a row, a furrow. Cf. Streak, Stroke.] 1. To touch or hit with some force, either with the hand or with an instrument; to smite; to give a blow to, either with the hand or with any instrument or missile."

ZeppelinKitty
10-16-2004, 06:23 PM
Awesome. I was just too lazy to go see if it was. Okay, now I'll actually read your poem for content, rather than for silly errors to point out.

ZeppelinKitty
10-16-2004, 06:25 PM
Just kidding. You said "more greater" in there, too. Okay, NOW I'll read for content.

ZeppelinKitty
10-16-2004, 06:31 PM
Meh, I don't really like rhyming poems all that much. I liked the imagery in the beginning, but then you lost my interest because the lines were so long and not specific to whatever your point was.

Try writing more concisely; if you wan't to appeal to my reading tastes, that is. Which you probably don't. ;]

kiss kiss
10-16-2004, 06:56 PM
Whoa Christina.

Being a post whore now, are we?

Will: It was good. I hate everyone else's poems on here almost, or songs.. but yours was good. Feel glad.

ZeppelinKitty
10-16-2004, 07:12 PM
Originally posted by kiss kiss
Whoa Christina.

Being a post whore now, are we?


Haha, always have been. Look who's talking my dear. ;]

vixievixen
10-16-2004, 11:32 PM
awesome.. it just totally moved me.. I felt like it was awesome and well written.. kudos to you!

~LoneWolf~
10-16-2004, 11:40 PM
I love it!! Its rocks!! Bravo!! *Claps* hell, nothing can really describe how great this poem is!!

Barcoded@Birth
10-16-2004, 11:54 PM
AWESOME!

Liam
10-17-2004, 01:42 AM
Nice.

Will M.
10-17-2004, 02:15 PM
Thanks all!

Underjoyed
10-17-2004, 03:10 PM
Originally posted by googoodollsgeek
*claps very loudly* ahhh it was wonderful! in my opinion it was one of the best poems youve posted... :D

*agrees*

cameyg
10-17-2004, 04:51 PM
AWSOME...FANTADTIC......GREAT.......IT WAS SO AWSOME like LOnewolf said that theres no words to describe it! *claps* Bravo!!!! Great Job Will! I can tell you put a lot of your time and thoughts into this! ("Trapped within a force more greater than the power of the pen.:) <---- Does that mean you were in jail?
LYLAF!,
Camille

Will M.
10-17-2004, 05:14 PM
Originally posted by cameyg
AWSOME...FANTADTIC......GREAT.......IT WAS SO AWSOME like LOnewolf said that theres no words to describe it! *claps* Bravo!!!! Great Job Will! I can tell you put a lot of your time and thoughts into this! ("Trapped within a force more greater than the power of the pen.:) <---- Does that mean you were in jail?
LYLAF!,
Camille

Could be figuratively speaking.

LiTtLeSoCoRoCkEr
10-17-2004, 05:16 PM
loved it!

lostboy351
10-21-2004, 03:33 PM
Being a published poet, I can list many poetic liscence violations (eg. hyperbole, inconsistent meter) but i won't. It is good. If i were you I would read Chaucer or Shakespeare to get some pointers. Not Frost though, oh god no.

Will M.
10-21-2004, 10:39 PM
Originally posted by lostboy351
Being a published poet, I can list many poetic liscence violations (eg. hyperbole, inconsistent meter) but i won't. It is good. If i were you I would read Chaucer or Shakespeare to get some pointers. Not Frost though, oh god no.

You think I copied people? Hyperbole, I can understand, it happens to everyone, sometimes unintentional. Let me know what parts of the poem you think is a license violation.

every_breath16
10-21-2004, 11:44 PM
Fuck will, you are a really great Writer. One day you will be famous.

Daisy
10-23-2004, 11:15 AM
^ *nods*. Mmm hmm