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jetsarefasst
03-29-2008, 01:10 AM
Cold bacon, cold eggs, cold potatoes

The bus to school was late again,
this time because the driver did
not drink enough coffee to wake him
and say a simple, “good morning”.
He was still, half-asleep, while the children
in their plastic green bench seats swung back
and forth to try and stay awake. Others were
trying to stay alive, but they didn’t understand.

The apple green alarm clock did not wake
his weary wife that day. (She painted it to look homey.)
Dreaming of each other, they both did not hear
the telephone ring twice. The USD 406 cotton jacket
stood upright, pressed by his wife’s iron the night before.
His supervisor had no choice but to call a replacement.
He also called the elementary school, where his two twin sons
attended, to tell them they’d be running late.

His replacement driver didn’t have a wife,
and he woke up on time, though his eyes
were still closed. The one-night stand he had
cooked herself breakfast in his small kitchen.
She had gone about an hour ago, from what was there;
cold bacon, cold eggs, cold potatoes, and the cold taste
she left in his mouth.

The driver didn’t see the signs colored orange
for caution, nor did he know the bus
was on the wrong road. He wasn’t experienced enough.
At least, that’s what the women said.
The children hit their heads on the window
and fell asleep to the violent vibration
when the Yellowbird flew off the bridge
into the creek below.

jetsarefasst
03-29-2008, 07:59 PM
anyone? i'd like to know what you think of this poem.

jetsarefasst
03-30-2008, 02:00 AM
bump

BooJoo
03-30-2008, 04:09 PM
Before I put down any of my thoughts, I want to know what your intention is in writing this. I don't want my edits to alter what this poem is fundamentally about.

jetsarefasst
03-30-2008, 04:25 PM
Before I put down any of my thoughts, I want to know what your intention is in writing this. I don't want my edits to alter what this poem is fundamentally about.

i appreciate your consideration.
the poem is strictly fictional and was written for a poetry class i took last year.

Laurieee
03-30-2008, 06:53 PM
the whole poem is pretty good except i relaly dont like the first stanza.. i dunno it just kinda.. i dunno haha not really written well. and the poem is a little confusing was it the man with the wife driving the bus or the replacement?? the first stanza is what completely confused everything else about the poem.

i dunno all in all it was a good concept i just think it was written reallly amateurly (not that ii write much better but i do like to read a lot of poetry)

can you comment on mine?? theres a link in my sig

Daisy_Lady
03-31-2008, 06:05 AM
You shouldn't say "two twin sons". It's not gramatically correct. "twin sons" would do better.
Good work though.

jetsarefasst
04-04-2008, 12:59 PM
okay, thanks.