If you read, please leave an HONEST comment.

Thanks.

A maiden so fair
So soft and lovely
Golden strands of hair
So bright and lonely

Why can't I see
Through the mist and shadow
How much she hates me
An everlong last shadow

As I sat there
And made ready
I thought of that hair
So calm and steady

Why so late
Why am I able
To bear the one I hate
On legs so stable

Oh, why can't I see
Hatred so ready
How much she hates me
Hands unsteady

As she creeps up behind
Knife at the ready
To cut and to bind
With hand unsteady

Why can't I see
How much she hates me

Why am I blind
Why can't I see
With rope to bind
How much she hates me

So innocent and lovely
Look so young
Face so lonely
Pride high-strung

Maiden so fair
With dog so lonely
Soft golden hair
And snout so lovely

With teeth to tear
Hatred so ready
Why can't these legs bear
A life unsteady

Loose set has she
Dog of hate
Wailing like a banshee
Too far, Too late

As I make ready
to bear this pain
In body unsteady
Life here to maim

Why can't I see
How much she hates me


Alright, I know it is long. Tell me what you think. And, I can't think of a title for it.. Any of you have ideas?

I realllly like it!! I really like your choice of words!

i like it

Thanks.

Bump.

Bump.

Boooooooooooooooo... No one wants to read.

I can't get past the first stanza.
A maiden so fair
So soft and lovely
Soft golden hair
So bright and comely
don't use 'soft' twice so close together, if you can help it.

<3 it. It has flow and i like what you are trying to convey.

bump!!!

Bump...

It's nice but you need to be patient. Don't bump so much, you can;t expect people to be constantly posting.

Eh, I don't, I just bump after it gets to the 2nd page...

Well i like it but you use comely like... three times! :S if this is on purpose, then maybe you should put it in at more common intervals so its not so disjointed and random (the comleys i mean) and if its on purpose and you say it more than maybe you should call it "Comely"

Other than that its really good though

Eh, I reworded it a lot since then... But oh well, this was just a rough draft, I expected some criticism... Really wanted it, in fact. Oh well...

I enjoyed reading it, and it is quite original ^^ Thumbs up
No suggestions for a name D; I'm sure you'll think of one soon

=/

not really a fan of it, it stikes me as really corny and a little cliche. Refering to the girl as a maiden seems like your trying to make it really profound. And you repeat the phrase "Why does she hate me so much" you shouldnt have to say that in my opinion. It should be apparent throught the poem she hates you.

Hmm... Ok...
Thanks.

hmmm. i like it. there were a few bumpy parts but overall it was good. about the name. i would have to say something with Maiden in it. I don't know you mentioned Soft and Doglike so... Soft Ravenous Maiden or soemthing... idk.

It was good, but one thing that stuck out to me was rhyming "shadow" with shadow...

But, it was good. I'm not sure about a name, sorry.

Not really looking for a rhyme, I just tried making it flow. =/
I am thinking about a few names, people here aren't helping much either. :lol:

i like it :)

it is really good!

Mmmm...

heyyy!
wanted to read your poems....
i really like it :)
it has a good flow to it.
<3

Thanks.

Bump.

:pink: It's lovely!

How about Maiden of Unseen Hatred for a title
or Sight by Beauty, Blind to Hatred
or Woman of Soft Rage

This isn't really my type of poem.
It was difficult for me to read because it seemed like some words were being pulled out of the air to rhyme with. & I just can't follow A B A B schemes very well.

It could use a little work imo.

I thought it was really good, but maybe i'm just biased. I have a thing for poems that rhyme for some reason...

Thanks.

And AwkwardSelfPortrait, as I have said before, it was just a rough draft. I pulled a lot of those words out of thin air to rhyme with, but that is just writing. Thanks for the comment though.

i dont really like the double use of shadow in the second staza. but then i could read into it more & discover a deeper meaning ...

the 1st stanza doesnt have the same rhyme schme as the rest.

it doesnt seem to have much flow to it ... its like ...

statement. statement. statement.
statement. statement. statement.
statement. statement. statement.


as for the title ... you make reference to her hair being nice, yet she hates you. maybe a play on that would be good.

Thanks... I will look in to that.

Bump.

Grr.
I am getting irritated.
BUMP!

Bump.

Beautiful. :]
It flows like water.

Thanks.

Bump.

Pretty good. :)

loved it!

Wow... over a year since I've seen this... oh well. >=]

Wow... over a year since I've seen this... oh well. >=]

Are you fuckin' serious?

Anyway, it could be condensed.

Yeah, considering I haven't been on in over a year. :P

And I know, I've worked on it since then, but it's pretty much the same, too busy to work much on poetry because of my book. So meh?

Yeah, considering I haven't been on in over a year. :P

And I know, I've worked on it since then, but it's pretty much the same, too busy to work much on poetry because of my book. So meh?

You don't see the value of writing something new, do you?

I find it strange that you would take the time to bump a poem you wrote a year ago instead of writing more.

I have too many poems to post, lol... over 1,000. As well as 500+ short stories, and half of a novel, along with 1/4 of 2 other books (meaning 1/4 of one book, and 1/4 of a separate book)... This was here already, so I decided why not?

Good job, now if you have a hot body you can get all the girls.

lawl.

O.o

I have too many poems to post, lol... over 1,000. As well as 500+ short stories, and half of a novel, along with 1/4 of 2 other books (meaning 1/4 of one book, and 1/4 of a separate book)... This was here already, so I decided why not?

Because if you wrote it over a year ago and haven't changed it much, chances are our comments mean very little to you.

Bumping a thread from over a year ago is a waste of everyone's time.

I really liked it

it's pretty good :)
although the 'topic' isn't the most original.
good choice of words as well like sumone else said :)

I like it overall, but sometimes the rhyming of it seems a little forced. Some of the stanzas work really well, others could do with some work, such as




Why can't I see
Through the mist and shadow
How much she hates me
An everlong last shadow



Try not to rhyme the same words. Overall, a good job though - keep it up!

yeah it is really long but...... its really good theres alotof feeling into that

Because if you wrote it over a year ago and haven't changed it much, chances are our comments mean very little to you.

Bumping a thread from over a year ago is a waste of everyone's time.

It's one of my better works, and one of the last in a string of poems having to do with a young boy in a small town falling for the head Cheerleader.

And, not really... It's still a relevant thread, just old material for me. Still new for everyone else, aside from the few that already saw it a year ago.

:shrug:

It's one of my better works, and one of the last in a string of poems having to do with a young boy in a small town falling for the head Cheerleader.

And, not really... It's still a relevant thread, just old material for me. Still new for everyone else, aside from the few that already saw it a year ago.

:shrug:

That makes sense.

It should.

It should.

;]

could be called, why cant i see

and its really really good!

;]

;)

could be called, why cant i see

and its really really good!

Thank you.

I'm considering doing something like Shakespeare. I can't find names for a good 50ish poems. Just start naming them with numbers. xD

;)

Well, good luck with your future pieces.

Thank you, thank you.

:)

Thank you, thank you.

:)

You are welcome.

This can go back and forth for the next 200 years.

>.>

This can go back and forth for the next 200 years.

>.>

Yes;]

I like it.

I thought it was really good, but maybe i'm just biased. I have a thing for poems that rhyme for some reason...

How strange! Who's heard of poems that rhyme? That's amazing. I can't believe you like them! You're so unique!

I got bored and stopped reading it 3rd stanza...

I like it.



How strange! Who's heard of poems that rhyme? That's amazing. I can't believe you like them! You're so unique!

Thank you.

And yes, that is QUITE strange.

I got bored and stopped reading it 3rd stanza...

Mkay...

Thanks for your comment?