what are your favorite funny quotes from tv shows or movies?

Family Guy
<Peter> Chris, everything I tell you is a lie.. :x .. except that, and that.. and that and that and that and that and tha..

Too many to quote from Fight Club too, also interesting quotes from American History X.

"Do not panic.....You will all die." (Regis / Megas XLR)

"No Diggity. No Doubt." (Mimi / Duel Masters)

wow,i have so many qoutes! you have no idea! but one of my favorites is is from the school of rock. "but oh,no! The man ruined that too with a little thing called MTV!" lol,best movie ever!

do no dont care

"Surrender now, and you will be destroyed peacefully." (Regis / Megas XLR)

"The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts." - TE Lawrence (Peter O'Toole), Lawrence of Arabia

"It puts the lotion on itself" - Joe Dirt
" It so sticky , I don't like it when it's sticky" - The Chaufer.

Baron Vladimir Harkonnen: I want him to know that, Baron Vlaadimiiir Harkonnen am the instrument of his family's demise.

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Baron Vladimir Harkonnen: Make sure he recalls his flimsy denials when he comes face-to-face with death's sweet smile.

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Paul "Muad'dib" Atreides: This vile organism known as human will soon need to reinvent itself from the shadows of its own complacency.

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Frank Herbert's Dune

First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?

From Donnie Darko

"Me fail English? That's unpossible" -Ralph Wiggim, the Simpsons

"kids. aim low. aim so low that when you suceed no one even cares." -Marge Simpson

"Can i be frank with you?
Ok can i still be Garth?" - Garth, Waynes Wold 2

28 days later

Jim: No, no, no. See this is a really shit idea. You know why? Because it's really obviously a shit idea.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, "Oi. You can't leave that lyin' there." And the man says, "No. It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."

Starsky and Hutch

When people question Huggi Bear of how he can afford his new (bling bling') car.

"Because I know some people, Who know some people, Who rob some people"

"Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm gonna be just like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die."

-Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor), Trainspotting

Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest... Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly… stupid

-Pirates Of The Caribbean

“Do not float above me when I’m dying in the abyss!” - Dane Cook

"Wanna Shave your balls, make them look bigger?" Dildo Boy in Orgasmo.

Withnail And I (All of these quotes are golden).

"Don't threaten me with a dead fish!"
"We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now!"
"There's something je ne sais quoi about a ripe young carrot..."
"It is called a Camberwell Carrot because it was made in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot."
"I demand more booze!"
"If I medicined you, you'd think that a brain tumor was a birthday present."
"I fuck arses...Who fucks arses?...Oh god, maybe he fucks arses! Perhaps he wrote it on the wall in a moment of drunken sincerity!"
"I must have you, even if it will be burglary!"
"No no, you can't go in there...There's a tea bag growing."
"FORK IT!"
"We've go on holiday by mistake!"

...No, I'm not obsessed.

LOTR FOTR :

Pippin: What's that?
Merry: This, my friend, is a pint.
Pippin: It comes in pints?
[In low voice]
Pippin: I'm getting one

Aragorn: Gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall.
Pippin: What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You've already had it.
Pippin: We've had one, yes. What about second breakfast?
Merry: I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.
Pippin: What about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?
Merry: I wouldn't count on it.

Pippin: Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this sort of... mission... quest... thing.
Merry: Well, that rules you out, Pip.

Pippin: Are we lost?
Merry: No
Pippin: I think we are
Merry: Shh. Gandalf's thinkin'
Pippin: Merry?
Merry: What?
Pippin: I'm hungry

LOTR TT:
Pippin: Don't talk to it, Merry. Don't encourage it.

Merry: He doesn't look to happy does he?
Pippin: Not to happy at all, Merry.
Merry: Still, the view must be quite nice from up there.
Pippin: Oh yes, its a quality establishment. I hear the staff are VERY good

Pippin: Merry?
Merry: What, Pip?
Pippin: I'm hungry.

LOTR ROTK:

Pippin: I feel like I'm back at the Green Dragon after a hard day's work.
Merry: Only, you've never done a hard day's work

[singing]
Merry, Pippin: You can drink your fancy ales. You can drink them by the flagon. But the only brew for the brave and tru-u-u-ue comes from the Green Dragon.

Empire Records:

A.J.: Mark, listening to this crap is guaranteed to make you sterile.
Mark: [under his breath] Maybe I want to be sterile.

Mark: [into television camera] Damn the man. Save the Empire.

Mark: SSSSHHHHOOOOOOPLLLIIIFFFFFFTTTEEERRR


and all the quotes in my sig.

"I can voluntarily perform a fanny fart at all times" - Nina, Human Traffic

Vila Restal: I'm entitled to my opinion.
Kerr Avon: It is your assumption that *we* are entitled to it as well that is irritating.

Blake's 7

Vila Restal: I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
Orac: It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it.

Blake 7

Marvin the Robot: Pardon me for breathing which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Announcer: Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly 92 million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a really neat idea.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Announcer: On the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars, and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed that they were more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.

The Hithhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

All I got in this World is my Word and my Balls - Tony Montana, Scarface.

"Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now. As I slooshied, I knew such lovely pictures! "

-Alex while listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony, A Clockwork Orange

"First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?"
- Donnie Darko-


I-i-i believe you have my stapler

-Office Space-