This was inspired by the story of the Donner Party. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should!)

Winter morning sun is shining but the lights are out inside
As I scuffle still and softly, bony arms folding my dress
Steady snowfall whispers in sick pines and broken bones
Tired fingers weave a tale of starvation and distress

I'll let you know what trouble is, my darling
But I wouldn't want to complicate this sorry state we're in
Donner Party victuals with bleeding gums and meager meals
Lungs shudder with defeat as the sun peeks out again

Purple morning blanket comfort barely visible by day
Smile sweet and wash your teeth of this unholy aftertaste
Children cry and scream for comfort, but we hand them only shame
Hurry up my dear, don't lag behind, we got no decency to waste

As the snowfall barely rushing past my eyes and through my bones
Little silence in the mountains as I cradle my listless tears
Chilly snowsteps of discomfort beating one by one by one
This trouble here my darling, makes me wise beyond my years

xxx

It was just alright. I didn't feel the consistancy or the flow, but it wasn't awful.

I adore the flow. If you read it right, it's very smooth. Well done.

that was fuckin dope :D

I'll drop some feedback tomorrow. Too tired right now.

I really liked it. And yeah, if you couldn't catch the flow of it, you were reading it wrong.

Thanks for the rad comments...NaZ, I want to hear your opinion. Bitch!

xxx

As promised...

*click, click*

This was inspired by the story of the Donner Party. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should!)

No, I don't. Sorry.

February tragedy with eyes of red and mouths of gray
Too slow to fill their bellies, no, too proud to eat the flesh
Steady snowfall whispers in sick pines and broken bones
Tired fingers tell a tale of starvation and distress

The first two lines did nothing for me. Actually, I don't care what anyone says...the flow was off in the opening bar. The second couplet was done nicely with a good flexible useage of a versatile vocabulary. The imagery collides nicely with the mystique which is always an attention-grabber.

I'll let you know what trouble is, my darling
I'll teach you how to feel and you'll learn the ways of men
Donner Party victuals with bleeding gums and meager meals
Lungs shudder with defeat as the sun peeks out again

Solid stanza. Couldn't really find an outstanding error. The opening line was brilliant. Very....narrative. I find it terrible when at times a writer can hardly narrate their own poem. But you set the tone with that line. The second line to me appeared a bit showsmanship. Which I wasn't feeling, but the final two...although I have no idea what you're talking about, were a pleasure to TRY to fit together...haha. But as I said at the beginning, I don't know what this poem is about...so I'll just comment on the structure/imagery/vocabulary/narration...etc...etc....etc....

Purple morning blanket comfort barely visible by day
Smile sweet and wash your teeth of this unholy aftertaste
Children cry and scream for comfort, but we hand them only shame
Hurry up my dear, don't lag behind, we got no decency to waste

That was off the heezy, fo'sheezy. I was totally digging this stanza. It is clear without a doubt that you have been writing for at least a good amount of time with these two couplets. If not, you have unlimited potential. Everything was damn near flawless and you probably know this. The second and fourth lines.....wow. The unholy aftertaste was amazing. And the "no decency to waste" was an excellent display of wordplay. If I knew the thumbs up smilie, you would receive it.

...but I wasn't feeling the repetitive of the second stanza! :( Made out for an odds and ends piece. Twas three stanzas, basically. Should have been four. In my view...I would have enjoyed an original closer...the third stanza built for a hope-crushing ending. I was looking forward to reading on and got nothing.

Overall a very nice piece of work with an ending I just simply didn't like. But I'm not the entire audience so don't sweat it. Third stanza was beautiful, though.

Keep writing and yeah, yeah, yeah. You know.

Stay real. :)

Originally posted by :x:Amaranth:x:
It was just alright. I didn't feel the consistancy or the flow, but it wasn't awful.

You shouldn't have replied to this thread.

PUH-lease believe it.

Originally posted by NaZ
As promised...

*click, click*

This was inspired by the story of the Donner Party. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should!)

No, I don't. Sorry.

February tragedy with eyes of red and mouths of gray
Too slow to fill their bellies, no, too proud to eat the flesh
Steady snowfall whispers in sick pines and broken bones
Tired fingers tell a tale of starvation and distress

The first two lines did nothing for me. Actually, I don't care what anyone says...the flow was off in the opening bar. The second couplet was done nicely with a good flexible useage of a versatile vocabulary. The imagery collides nicely with the mystique which is always an attention-grabber.

I'll let you know what trouble is, my darling
I'll teach you how to feel and you'll learn the ways of men
Donner Party victuals with bleeding gums and meager meals
Lungs shudder with defeat as the sun peeks out again

Solid stanza. Couldn't really find an outstanding error. The opening line was brilliant. Very....narrative. I find it terrible when at times a writer can hardly narrate their own poem. But you set the tone with that line. The second line to me appeared a bit showsmanship. Which I wasn't feeling, but the final two...although I have no idea what you're talking about, were a pleasure to TRY to fit together...haha. But as I said at the beginning, I don't know what this poem is about...so I'll just comment on the structure/imagery/vocabulary/narration...etc...etc....etc....

Purple morning blanket comfort barely visible by day
Smile sweet and wash your teeth of this unholy aftertaste
Children cry and scream for comfort, but we hand them only shame
Hurry up my dear, don't lag behind, we got no decency to waste

That was off the heezy, fo'sheezy. I was totally digging this stanza. It is clear without a doubt that you have been writing for at least a good amount of time with these two couplets. If not, you have unlimited potential. Everything was damn near flawless and you probably know this. The second and fourth lines.....wow. The unholy aftertaste was amazing. And the "no decency to waste" was an excellent display of wordplay. If I knew the thumbs up smilie, you would receive it.

...but I wasn't feeling the repetitive of the second stanza! :( Made out for an odds and ends piece. Twas three stanzas, basically. Should have been four. In my view...I would have enjoyed an original closer...the third stanza built for a hope-crushing ending. I was looking forward to reading on and got nothing.

Overall a very nice piece of work with an ending I just simply didn't like. But I'm not the entire audience so don't sweat it. Third stanza was beautiful, though.

Keep writing and yeah, yeah, yeah. You know.

Stay real. :)

Wow. Thank you. That's the most helpful criticism i've ever recieved on these boards.

For your own clarification: The Donner Party was a party of men and women (about 80 total) in the mid 1800s who decided to take a new trail to California and try and strike it rich. They ended up stranded in the Sierra Nevada for 3 days, and when they finally emerged it was winter and they were stuck in the mountains. Snow was constantly falling, and before the party knew it they were 3 feet deep in snow. With no way of escaping, food quickly ran out. Thus, they were left to fend for themselves. The group sent "Forlorn Hope" out to find a pass through the mountains, a group of brave souls who were willing to take 8 days victuals and try their luck to escape. Unfourtunatley, they got lost on the way and by the 15th day they were starving to death, with no food available. Many were delirious. Eventually, out of neccesity, the group resorted to cannabalism. In order to survive, when someone would die of starwationt hey would cut the flesh from their arms and legs and eat their fallen comrade. This continued for months during the winter. Only about half of the Donner Party were alive by the end of the winter.

OKAY, now that that's done...I repeated the second stnaza beause I was thinking it as more of a song, I guess, but you're right...it works better as a poem.

NOW I'm going to fix it.

xxx

Revised edition:

Winter morning sun is shining but the lights are out inside
As I scuffle still and softly, bony arms folding my dress
Steady snowfall whispers in sick pines and broken bones
Tired fingers weave a tale of starvation and distress

I'll let you know what trouble is, my darling
But I wouldn't want to complicate this sorry state we're in
Donner Party victuals with bleeding gums and meager meals
Lungs shudder with defeat as the sun peeks out again

Purple morning blanket comfort barely visible by day
Smile sweet and wash your teeth of this unholy aftertaste
Children cry and scream for comfort, but we hand them only shame
Hurry up my dear, don't lag behind, we got no decency to waste

As the snowfall barely rushing past my eyes and through my bones
Little silence in the mountains as I cradle my listless tears
Chilly snowsteps of discomfort beating one by one by one
This trouble here my darling, makes me wise beyond my years

xxx

Bumping the revised edition.

xxx

I loved it! I don't think you could have chosen better words. I've never heard of the Donner Party till now. Before I read your poem I figured I needed a brief history lesson. Thus I asked my mum....ha. :)

And as for the person who didn't think it had a nice flow, maybe she didn't understand it. ^^