You took my heart away from me
You shattered it and looked me in the eyes
When you placed the peices in my hands

Your twisted words brought tears
Made me look like a fool
When you placed those ideas in my head

How can you deny what is so clear
Its so obvious what you've done
That night when you placed your lips on mine

You can't say you were confused
Everyone knows the truth
Although you placed out an allusion

You can't say you were honest
When I know you wern't
When you placed my broken heart back to me


There, I fixed it a bit!!! Thanks yew for the ideas! How do you like it now?

Alright, I'll be kind. (Kidding!)

It's a decent premise, but poems are at their best when you don't spell out exactly what it's discussing. Thus, it's better to incorporate metaphors rather than saying "You lied to me and now I'm mad at you". Try something like "our percieved clarity was broken by your waning heart." Obviously, make it better, but use personification, metaphor, symbolism, similes, etc. Paint a picture with your words. Show, don't tell.

Also, you spelled "lies" wrong. And try working on the flow.

xxx

Better?

I like the idea and everything, but I think it needs a better like rhythm(sp) and flow.