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View Full Version : please tell me what u think of this story. its not finished but i want ur thoughts.


MoonlitRose09
06-03-2006, 08:05 PM
Jake
When I first arrived in this magical country, I viewed many spectacles, but none as great as Viviana. Viviana…just the sound of her name sends tingles across my body. But of course, then, I did not know her name. In fact, to tell you the truth, I knew nothing about her. Except that I loved her. It’s no wonder that I fell for that girl, I mean, anyone could. When I first saw her, Viviana was, (and still is) a beauty. A rare diamond found in the most unlikely place.
I first viewed this belle on the beach. She was walking slowly in my direction. Her feet were bare, and creating footprints on the wet sand. Her red dress was flowing in the wind, and in her brownish-golden hair, a red hibiscus was showing. Then, she looked up, and I could feel my heart beat in my ears as I stared into her eyes. Such eyes I have never seen before in my life, so innocent and pure. Those dark brown eyes of hers seemed to look right into me and reflect all the truth and good in a person. Then she ran. Lucky for me, I was a quick runner and easily followed her. When I just had her in grasp, you could imagine my surprise when a voice commanded me to stop.
I stopped dead in my tracks and glanced up to see another young girl, this one with a bow and arrow pointed straight at me. The girl of my dreams ran behind her, and stood there, watching me with large eyes. I tried to take small steps towards them, but in vain.
“Stop. Don’t move.” commanded the armed girl. “What is your business here?”
“Please, I just came here. I don’t know anyone. I need a place to live…”
The girl tightened her bow and glared at me with narrowed eyes. Then I saw the girl in the red dress, and she was crying. I quickly looked up to see the other girl’s reaction, but she had already put away her weapon, and was guiding my girl through the jungle.
“Follow us,” she commanded, without looking my way.
As we were making our way through the jungle, I noticed two things. One, more than half of the wildlife and vegetation I didn’t recognize. Second, while I was getting constantly tangled in vines, the girl with the weapon was guiding my girl so carefully, that they did not need to stop even for a minute. By the time we reached our destination, I was exhausted.
“You must be tired,” said the weapon girl. “But before I can let you rest, we must talk.”
Then, she asked my girl to go into their house…well, it was more like a well-built cabin. Just before my girl went in, she stopped in the doorway, and gave me the sweetest smile I’ve ever received. And it took my breath away. Then she disappeared.
When I turned to look at the weapon girl, she looked like a whole new person. She was looking at me with a smile. At that moment, I really decided to look at her. She was okay. Maybe someone would have called her ‘pretty’, but the girl in red already took my heart. This girl had long, dark brown hair, which shone with a reddish gleam in the sun. On her very fair skin, she was wearing some kind of short, leather dress, with a case for her bows and arrows swung over her shoulder. It seemed as though everyone here went barefoot, for both girls were without shoes. Then I noticed her eyes. They were the clearest blue-green color of any tropical ocean highlighted with a hue of blue-gray. Also, I noticed that her happiness flowed out of her and seemed top cast a glow on her skin. From then on, I knew this girl would be special.
“I see that Viviana has taken your heart,” she laughed. “But anyways, my name is Karena. I want to welcome you to this island. I know you will have a good time chasing after Viviana, but I will warn you. If you do anything to her without her consent, you shall be dealing with me.” With that, she looked down and saw my shoes, all muddy and tangled in vines. “You won’t be needing those,” Karena decided. “Take them off while I get some bandages. So, what did you say your name was?”
“My name is Jake,” I replied, bewildered, as Karena disappeared behind the house.

Karena
“Jake…” I thought while walking. I knew this was going to be interesting. When I reached the back of the house, I took a basin, which minutes earlier I had filled with hot water, and some clean cloth, that I had cut into strips with my pocket knife. I noticed that my knife was on the ground, so I put it away, picked up the basin, threw the cloth into it, and started walking back to Jake. When I reached him and put down the basin, I knew something was wrong.
Jake’s tan, good natured face was tightened, his brows down, and his deep born eyes were unreadable, as if he suddenly decided to put up a wall around himself. I sighed. This was not going to make my job and easier. And I was right.
Just as I approached him with a soaked rag, he moved away, like a wounded predator, not going down without a fight. Only he wasn’t a predator and I wasn’t hunting him. Jake stared at me for several seconds before running off into the jungle. I sank to the ground. Just before he left, I saw malice and fear in his eyes.

Jake
I ran into the jungle. For the next couple of minutes, I kept running. Then, I sat down on the ground. What did I do? What was I thinking? Karena only wanted to help me, and now, I’m stuck her in the middle of an unknown jungle without anyone. Viviana…what a beautiful name…
Then, she came. She came straight into my arms. As I held her, I touched her slightly tan skin with my fingertips. Viviana smiled that sweet smile, and moved away from me, tempting me to follow. After awhile, she sat down and leaned again a tree. I found myself across from her. Staring into her eyes, I moved closer, so that our foreheads touched. I had never been so happy in my life. Through her beautiful eyes, I could see into her soul, and she into mine. I couldn’t hold anything from her. Not saying a single word, my life story I poured out to her, knowing she understands. Then I moved closer. Just as I was about to kiss her, she vanished. Water dripped on my face. Viviana was gone…
I woke up to find myself soaked. My head was feverish and my whole body ached. It was just a dream. I slowly managed to get up. I noticed it was dark, raining and dreary. I started running about the jungle, trying to find shelter, but I barely ran for 15 seconds when I tripped. Hot pain surged through my left leg. I tried to get up, but when trying to take a step, I fell, causing more pain in my leg. Looking at it, I found it covered in mud, the pants bloody and torn. I wiped what I thought was sweat from my eyes, and found it to be blood. I must have cut my brow when I fell on my face. I started to crawl. Every movement caused a thunderbolt of pain to go through my leg, but I kept moving. Eventually, I made it to a cave. It didn’t look inhabited, so I crawled inside and collapsed. My head was throbbing and spinning, and I was weak from the loss of blood. Soon, I dozed off.
I was awakened by a light. Something touched my leg and I hissed in pain. As my eyes became adjusted to the light, I found myself lying on a soft surface, covered in blankets. Looking up, I saw Viviana, and catching her gaze, she started to gently caress my forehead. I closed my eyes. Her touch was so calming, so nice. Then she stopped. I opened my eyes and tried to sit up, but a hand pushed me down.
“I’m not done bandaging your leg yet. Just a few more minutes. This will only hurt a bit,” said a familiar voice. I closed my eyes and felt pain in my leg. Trying not to wince, I clenched my teeth together. Viviana noticed this, and held my hand. After a few more painful moments, it was over.
“There, all done. Viviana, help Jake sit up while I get him something to eat,” said the familiar voice. This time I recognized it. It belonged to Karena.
Next thing I knew, Viviana had already leaned me against two pillows in a sitting position. Then Karena came and sat diagonally from me as Viviana sat next to me.
“Here,” said Karena, handing me a bowl. “Eat this.
As I ate this food, not only did I find that it was better than anything I have ever tasted before, but also, that it warmed me up and made me more comfortable. When I finished, I looked around the room. “Where am I,” I finally asked.
“In our house,” replied a voice I didn’t recognize. I was surprised it was Viviana. She had a nice, smooth voice, though compared to Karena’s, it was a bit uncertain and hesitant. “Do you like it? We made it ourselves.”
“We?” I asked, confused.
“Karena and I,”
“How did I get here, or how did you find me…?” I questioned Viviana.
“Actually, Karena brought you. Don’t ask me how she did it,” replied Viviana.
I looked around for Karena, but she had vanished.
“She went outside while you were eating, if that’s who you’re looking for,” laughed Viviana. “Goodnight.”
And with that, she left, taking the only light with her. Hours later, I lay awake and noticed a glowing figure come into the house. It was Karena.

Viviana
I looked up as Karena opened the door.
“He’s gone,” she said in a soft voice, “Jake’s gone.”
“Who?” I asked, confused.
“The boy you met at the beach,” Karena explained.
Closing my eyes, I tried to form a mental picture of the boy. His face quickly appeared in my mind. Tan skin, curly, thick, black hair, a bit of freckles on his perfect nose, dark brows marking his eyes. And what eyes they were! Clear, light brown eyes, that had in some places dark specks. Those eyes revealed everything, and through them, you could read his life like a book. In them was a fire or yearning, a fire that both entranced and frightened me.
“The boy you tried to kill…?” I asked softly. As I opened my eyes, I say Karena shaking her head.
“That was a mistake,” she replied quickly. “And now, I have to find him. Can you make a little cot for him in the corner of the main room?”
“Okay…I guess…” I said.
And with that, Karena disappeared. I sighed. Even though we have been living here for 3 years and been friends for many more, I still didn’t really know her. She is a good friend, reliable, kind, but her life is a mystery. She doesn’t let anyone help her with her problems, but helps everyone with theirs. How she does that is an unsolvable riddle to me, but I still wonder how as I prepare the cot.
Night fell, and Karena was still not back. By that time, I had the cot ready, all the chores done, lanterns lit outside and was almost done preparing the food. That’s when Karena came in through the door, the boy slung over her should. We exchanged a silent greeting, and Karena laid the boy on the cot. I wiped my hands on a rag, and quietly walked over to them. The boy, Jake, was unconscious, and Karena was already dabbing his wounds with hot water. Then she saw his leg.
“Viviana…” Karena started. “Can you please bring me a candle? Please?”
I brought it and she put it in a lantern and hung it over Jake. Then she got fresh bandages and cut open the bottom of Jake’s pants with a knife. As Karena touched Jake’s wound with a hot rag, he hissed in pain. I scooted closer to his head, and for some apparent reason, started to caress his forehead, while looking into his eyes to give him reassurance. I don’t know what came over and why I did that, but I did. In response, Jake closed his eyes and weakly smiled. I stopped when I saw Karena watching me, smiling, and slightly shaking her head.
Then she mouthed, “Keep him down.” I quickly looked at Jake, who was trying to sit up, and pushed him down…maybe a little too hard. Karena covered her mouth to stifle a laugh. Then she said out loud, “I’m not done bandaging your leg yet, just a few more minutes, this will only hurt a bit.” Jake opened his eyes and blinked in confusion, and then his face tightened. It seemed as if he didn’t want to show the pain. So I held his hand. Even when Karena gave me a look and rolled her eyes, I didn’t care. He was pretty good looking anyways…
I was so caught up in my thought, it took me awhile to realize Karena asked me to sit him up. I helped Jake to sit up, propping him on two pillows. Meanwhile, Karena got him some food, told him to eat, and told me in a low whisper she was going ‘outside’. But I, of course, was too mesmerized in watching Jake eat to pay any attention. So it took me another while to notice he was done eating, and we were alone. I shook my head, trying to focus.
“Where am I…?” Jake asked finally. What a nice accent he had…
“In our house. Do you like it?” I asked, my voice unnatural and hesitant. “We made it ourselves.”
“We?” he sounded confused and disorientated. Damn. This was not the reaction I was hoping for.
“Karena and I,” I answered, a bit humiliated.
“How did I get here, or how did you find me…?” asked Jake, not noticing my embarrassment.
I decided I was not going to make a fool out of myself…so I made the answer to the point. “Actually, Karena brought you. Don’t ask me how she did it.” I quickly replied, and then thought, “Because I don’t know either.”
Jake looked around with determination, and I started to feel uncomfortable and extremely sleepy. I said something to him about Karena’s whereabouts, took the only light, and went to bed, leaving Jake alone in the darkness.

Karena
The last thing I saw before I left the house, was Viv staring at Jake intently while he ate. Once outside, I smiled. Puppy love. Or whatever you want to call it. One thing is certain, it will sure make my job, and summer, interesting. I took a deep breath, letting the fresh air into my lungs, just as the warm air tousled my hair. The moon was bright, and a million stars lit up the sky.
I started to walk to the shed, where I last left my bow and arrows. Then, I walked into the forest. I followed the sound of running water, until I came to a waterfall, crashing into a pool. I sat on the bank, feet skimming the cool liquid. Finally, I could relax…. But my calm was quickly shattered when I heard a twig snap. I grabbed by bow and arrow, and swerved around, but it was too late. The deer ran off into the forest, leaving no trace of it’s recent presence.
Sinking down onto the grass, I suddenly felt cold, alone, and weak. Unable to control myself, I started to tremble. But before I was completely lost, my mind took over my body, and I jumped into the pool. I sighed relieved. After swimming a bit, I got out, feeling pure and cleansed. Beads of water on my skin shone in the moonlight as I made my way home. Then, opening the door, I slipped in quietly, not to wake Jake, and went to bed.
The house was burning. I ran to it as fast as I could, but it was too late. A person lay motionless on the ground. Reaching them, I found it was a woman. Tears flooded my eyes as I realized who it was. As I cradles her, she opened her eyes and then closed them. “Mother,” I whispered, as I tried for a pulse, but didn’t find one. The rain started pouring…. Then my soul re-entered my body, and I walked away into the forest, leaving the two figures in each other’s arms.
I woke up crying. Why do these memories haunt me?

Jake
I awoke to the sound of singing and the smell of food. I groaned, as I tried unsuccessfully to lift myself up. Finally, after the 5th try, I managed to clumsily prop myself up against a pillow. Then, I took the time to look around.
The room I was in, I noticed, was smaller than it seemed last night. It was a room with two cots, and a kitchen put together as one. It only contained about 4 windows, but it was enough light to see everything clearly. Beyond that, there were two doors. One, which was closed, I guessed was the girls’ bedroom. The other, slightly ajar, was a small storage room. I also noticed that the front door was completely open, and I decided to go outside. Just as I was about to get up, Karena walked in.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” she said cheerfully. “How are you today?”
“Okay…I guess…” I said, a bit uncertainly. How could she be so nice to me after what I put her through yesterday?
“Look, about yesterday -” I started.
“Don’t worry about it,” Karena cut me off. “What matters now, is if you can stand.”
So, I wobbly started to get up, and lost my footing on a pillow, and who have nearly fallen on my face, if Karena hadn’t grabbed hold of my arm. I leaned against the wall, humiliated, waiting for her to laugh. But she didn’t. After awhile, I summoned up the courage to look at her.
“Are you okay?” Karena asked in a concerned voice.
For a second, I thought she was mocking me, but her face was serious.
“Yah, fine,” I answered, as she let go of my arm. Then, I took my first step, and surprisingly, it didn’t hurt at all. Somehow in some impossibly way, my leg healed overnight.
“Very nice,” remarked Karena, her cheery expression returned to her face. “But your food is getting cold outside.”
With that, I followed her out the front door, and sat on the same, flat, rock I first sat on when I came here the other day. I quickly ate the food I received, which was a small, but satisfying portion. After finishing, I looked up to see Viviana emerging from the house. Today, she was wearing a flowing white dress. She hovered by the open doorway, smiling shyly, before making her way towards me. I looked around, just to see Karena disappearing around the house. I was alone, yet again, with the dazzling beauty.

SxC_bIaTcH76
06-04-2006, 12:33 AM
i like it

TheRevenge
06-04-2006, 05:47 AM
Me too, but its a bit...strange.