Now, I don't call this a "poem", as such, but rather a formless blob of words. Said blob is not intended to follow a rational outline. Please do not expect it to. Feel free to bash it or love it.

Having said that:



Through the meager light afforded me, I progress through the dark

onwards, I appreciate the trees

So very many, tall and handsome, yet all together, uniform

I can feel them, though it is dark, and I cannot see

I can be amongst them, but never of them

I can muse what it is to be a tree

Tired, I use the deadened limbs of the mighty beings to illuminate the dark

My spite and cruelty etch their smile upon my face

I see

No longer stands the façade of the trees

No longer remains the belief of their honor

The trees live in their own filth

leaves and branches strewn over the dirt they combat one another for

lopsided and uneven

covered in parasites

there is nothing more putrid than the trees

Nothing more vile or more wretched

but a tree does not know of such

In fact, there is not much for a tree to tell of

dull and placid beings they are

Yet they riser higher than I, and there are so very many

perhaps it is the forest itself I hate

the smile of spite extant on my face, I sit

the embers of my illumination dying to be resurrected

I consider:

Is it better to be a tree, dull, placid, imposing?

Or the observer, dynamic, insignificant?

The embers are gone

My smile remains, but all is dark


:3some:

poems can be formless blobs of words. i think i prefer that.

anyway... i'm going to assume you want a critique, so please don't yell at me or get all defensive, because i'm incredibly sick of people doing that.

i thought the poem was too metaphor-heavy. the poem seemed really forced, i think because you were trying to make the metaphor too obvious. each line is so obviously crafted to mean something else. "Yet they riser higher than I," for example - it just seems like you're trying to set up this lofty dichotomy between the trees and yourself, but instead of being a wonderful, organic metaphor, it's a hunk of bulky metal.

also, it's just a lot of distanced description, which i wouldn't call engaging.

i didn't really understand the switch from the trees being handsome to being putrid, also.

i thought the poem was too metaphor-heavy.
That's what my teacher said.

the poem seemed really forced, i think because you were trying to make the metaphor too obvious.
It was forced. :) (It was an assignment)

each line is so obviously crafted to mean something else. "Yet they riser higher than I," for example - it just seems like you're trying to set up this lofty dichotomy between the trees and yourself, but instead of being a wonderful, organic metaphor, it's a hunk of bulky metal.
:cry:
also, it's just a lot of distanced description, which i wouldn't call engaging.

i didn't really understand the switch from the trees being handsome to being putrid, also.
I'd never before written a poem, nor do I ever intend to do so again. Good thing, I guess. But, thank you. :)

i loved it, your "formless blob of words" it was deep, keep writing