Now, I don't usually ask for other's opinions of my lyrics/poems, but I recently started writing again (after four months) and words just flooded out of my body like never before. They probably won't make sense to you, nor do they for me really, but they're the first I've written in a while, and I'm lucky something even came out. So please rate them out of 10 if you want, or just give some criticism (be gentle).... EDIT; I haven't finished it, nor am I really planning on finishing it, it was after a huge bust-up with my boy..

(First one)
the tragedy that is, of the torment and love.
the lust and the pain that becomes estranged from everything it's ever known.
no-one could visualise the encounters of infinite heartache.
but when torment versus love become the game,
it's time to turn to the truth that has no name.

but baby it's a plan you cannot depict.
the lush provision of a future and a past.
where one becomes two and two further to three.
it's a life you can't resist,
the burning sensation you no longer request.

(Second one ; I don't usually write with rhyming couplets)

we can iluminate the darkest paths to heaven

those memories you cost,
the nights that you forever lost,
are ones in which you remain to be seen.
so as nights turn to dust,
and the rivers of color rust,
the days will go by as you decease.

but don't despair my lover,
for your no longer the problem,
of disatisfaction at its best.
the weakening of you,
the strength that i impose,
of eternal revolutions to the rights of living.

these miracles of the past and seductions for now..

so don't be the one to set me free,
it's no longer the job for you nor me.
there's a light at the end of the road,
the one in which you've always been told,
but don't despair my lover,
it's not longer your problem,
'cause you see,
you mean nothing, nothing, nothing to me.

Check through for spellings and grammar, like commas, semi-colons, perhaps. "I" Should always be capitalised since its first person. Cause you see = Front clipping? Needs an apostrophe. 'Cause you see.

First verse was ok. Flow was choppish in some areas, lovely ending though. Might be better if it was all one verse, that way it doesn't seem so far apart. >.> If that makes sense. It seems uncomplete as a seperate verse. Anyway, good content.

Yes, I know about the grammer and other things, but I copied and pasted and didn't exactly make sure of things. It makes perfect sense about the flow, but I havn't really finished it, I'm not even sure if I will, it was merely just a flow of emotions coming from a bad situation.

Thank you for the feedback though!

i liked it it was better than mine'

It is an awesome poem/lyrics. I really like it. when Im not at school I will show you one of mine if you want me to its no problem. well I better go buh bye now.

Thanx for that guys, yeah HotXGoth - I'd like that.