Nevermore


Shadows fall upon my thoughts
Dark visions fill my head
I see her in a pool of blood
I'm wishing she was dead
Body sprawled out on the floor
She has taken her last breath
The raven whispers "Nevermore"
Now the vision ends

it is good

holy shit that is good i write some morbid poetry too. hehehe (evil thought)

That reminds me vividly of Edgar Allen Poe's poem 'the Raven', at least with the line "The raven whispers 'Nevermore' "
It's a very good poem, the flow is nice and the structure (while simplistic and free-verce) is still rather nice. Go you.

Please take a look at my poetry as well, thank you very much.

i dont like the last line. show how the vision ends, maybe you do kill her? or have sex with her? or sing a song? or break dance, i dont know its your poem.

so i get that the last line is made different on purpose, and i see it breaks the rhyme pattern, but it is really very awkward. I think you have to rework that line, disrupt the rhyme if you want, but it doesn flow at all. I dont think it adds enough poetic/artistic merit to keep it how it is, cause to be honest it is a very good poem up until that point at which it loses just about everything. at least use the same number of syllables as you did in the earlier lines.
sorry, i'm a rather critical person who says things plainly. and i tend to focus on the things that need improvement, but, thats why your here, isn't it?
I like the rest a lot. the rhyme pattern is natural, and the allusion to the raven is nice and timely.