just wrote this -- if you've got any ideas, i'd love to hear them! thanks!


i'm weak, i'm bending, i'm breaking

my back like a branch, weighted under recent snowfall

i'm sick, i'm heaving, i'm shaking

my vision being blurred by hot salty tears

like a foggy morning on an ocean shore

salt in the wound, salt in the sore

no more energy and no more trying

no more strength, it’s time to stop crying

wow, that was good...construcitve criticism....
maybe just take 'and' in the second to last line out and put a comma?? it's good just the way it is though...congrats!! =)

Bring in some darker connotations perhaps. Maybe explore another device like incremental repetition or something. Thats repetition with a slight variation to it. Its a weak piece in terms of tone and various other aspects, also could use a wider range of lexis unless you'd like to keep it simple, that is. Elaborate more on the ideas you have in there too.

Untitled

I'm weak; I'm bending; I'm breaking.

My soul creaks with endurance I'm faking.

I'm sick; I'm burning; I'm shaking.

My vision blurred by tears held in.

Like a foggy morning on an ocean shore.

The hits I'm taking are like salt in the sore.

No more energy; No will left to try.

No strength left; No more tears to cry.

Untitled

I'm weak; I'm bending; I'm breaking.

My soul creaks with endurance I'm faking.

I'm sick; I'm burning; I'm shaking.

My vision blurred by tears held in.

Like a foggy morning on an ocean shore.

The hits I'm taking are like salt in the sore.

No more energy; No will left to try.

No strength left; No more tears to cry.

Great remix, though the poet her/himself, should have posted it!

Sorry. I just really like doing remixes :D

No offense, silverspiderwebs. Don't take it personally.

hey thats really gud...i love you to read some of mine too sometime...i like it coz its deep.send me a PM sumtime

:) hey thats really gud...i love you to read some of mine too sometime...i like it coz its deep.send me a PM sumtime