this is to a friend, in memory of her brother. if you have any comments or suggestions, please post them
Thanks



Tears will fall,
screams will sound,
loved ones lost,
shall soon be found.

For Jerry *

A solemn procession winds through the darkend streets,
like a poisoned serpent crawling,
searching desprately for the sun,
seeking the giver of reason.

The procession comes to a shuddering halt,
before an emblazoned black box.
The mother wails,
the father cries,
the sister screams,
the brother lies alone.

Why must life be stolen from the young and carefree?
Why is the future ripped so brutally from their grasp?
The life that was once so wonderful,
suddenly becomes even more cherished.

Remember this isn't the end,
there is still your future ahead.
Know that he now walks among the throng,
more shining than the rest.

He still loves you,
and will wait till the end,
for his precious baby sister to see,
that he never truly left.


*name changed
for the person this is dedicated to:hey Jer, it's 'Hachi' if you read this, and remember that i love you, so don't give up and i'll try me hardest to see you tomorrow.

come on, i really want to know what you think!! *criticism is welcome, not to mention needed*

This is good. Surprisingly evocative. Could fling in some white contrasts in there which correspond with the splashes of darkness. Melancholy piece.

Remember this isn't the end, hyphen needed here instead of a comma.

Tears will fall,
screams will sound,
loved ones lost,
shall soon be found.

It would be better if this was arranged at the end of the piece. Overall, some lovely images in there. Especially the 'poisoned serpent crawling' - Do serpents crawl? Or do they slither? Apart from that, good piece.

Something good that's still about death? On these forums? Well you shocked me. Sometimes it lapsed into cliche, but it's hard to write about this subject and not, there were some great lines in there.

thanks, and i got the 'serpent crawling' idea from one of my books...=)
anyone else???