I wrote this two years ago, done some modifications, probobly not one of the best pieces I have written but it's one of the pieces that means the most to me.


All I have is an old soul and achin tummy
Why in the world was my mother taken from me?
Up until the last minute i'll be looking for the best answer
Hard as she tried she coulden't outrun the breast cancer
So what am I supposed to do?, I need at least another year
There comes times everyday I need my mother here
Its importent I talk to her, at least it seems to be
I gotta make sure she understands how much she means to me
Who will I ask my stupid questions when they come up?
My first impulse is that I want to call my mom up
But then i'm standin' there holdin' the telephone
Wishin' this headache would leave me the hell alone
The last thing I need is for pain to fill my empty spaces
But right now I feel pain in plenty of places
I need to say i'm sorry and blame me
Instead of yourself and as for Lorrie and Amy
I'll make sure they're okay and always wear a seatbelt
I promise to ease back whenever the heat's felt
It's painful being here but it's unfit there
My mother's gone away and it's not one bit fair

i liked the slant rhymes, but other than that, its on the ground, too choppy, especially in the spots where you finished a thought in the middle of a line, ie. the commas and the question mark, and your line lengths didnt work very well for keeping the poem flowing, some are rather short whereas some are very long, which gives me the idea that you probably tailored the line length to the rhyme...
NEVER DO THAT (rubs nose in it) NEVER

Hmmm, flows quite good in my head lol, but I appriciate your feedback. The line lengths is a bit uneven but I didn't tailor the line length to the rhyme but I agree that it may seem that way given the structure.