Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't post any more, but I want some opinions and advice on this poem.


The sound of summer,
The sound of summer
As it comes around the corner.

Sing, enjoy, dance,

As you feel the music
Flowing through your head

Enjoy, dance, sing

As you limbo through the sand.

Dance
To the rhythm of the sea,

Sing
In harmony with the wind.

Enjoy
The freedom the sun brings.

Dance
Sing
Enjoy.



I'm experimenting with different styles, I'm not sure if this works, any comments willingly received please!

'Dance, sing, enjoy' Oh god...reminds me of dancing in the middle of the street with my friend. I like it.
'san.' is that supposed to be 'sand'? Or...?
Cute poem. I liked it.

(If you didn't post a poem, I was going to ask you to.)

Haha, yeah it was supposed to sand, thanks.

I'm not posting any more now. I just wanted opinions on this as I've not done one like this before.

I like it! :hug:

Any suggestions?

Thanks Dafy. :hug:

Ya, suggestion. Put a title on it. lol :)

I don't know what to call it, that's what else I meant to ask...any ideas of a title?

The blessings of summer?

As you limbo through the sand.

Dance
To the rhythm of the sea,

Sing
In harmony with the wind.

Enjoy
The freedom the sun brings.


Loved this, except the 'Dance, Sing and Enjoy' intro spoilt it slightly, for me reading this, although not too much. Yet it made good preparations for the ending. So overall Lovely work. :)

Thanks.

Would it work to just leave out the beginning bit, or shall I replace it with something?

Its your work, if you want it there, keep it. :) Though I'd advise to leave it out, else the emphasis on the first mention of it half-way through won't be as effective with it in..

Yeah, but shall I just leave it out, or change it?

I can see what you mean by that, as I say, first draft and in need of suggestions, lol. :)

Ah right :) I was just hoping my suggestion didn't seem weird. :shrug: Its your work, you gotta choose one way, I'd vote on leave it out, if I had to make the decision. Try reading it through again with it in, then again without to see which one sounds better. ^_^

Take what's given

Run with it.

The sound of summer,
The sound of summer
As it comes around the corner.


How's that for a beginning? *Plays with ideas for a bit while waiting for feedback*

o.0 Ah. I don't think it needs anything to replace it, without it brings a little more power into the words, imagery.

Title, so far I have;

The blessings of summer

Take what's given

Run with it (In place of having it)

And, yeah, that's it....I said I need help for this one!! Lol.

Ya it suits this piece :) Super choice! ^_^

Which one :confused:

Thanks for all the help btw Loz. Er yeah...after the title I think I'm done...haha...

why is "the sound of summer" repeated twice? if its meant to be emphatic, then try rephrasing it like a psalmic, and sing, enjoy, dance as repeated enjoy, dance, sing doesnt seem to do anything but fill space. The rhythm of the sea seems to be a pretty cliche line, ive heard it maybe 10 times before, but its not bad...

:shrug:
I've never heard it. The sing, dance, enjoy are part of the poem, they're meant to fit in with the lines in between, just a way of expressing it. 'The sound of summer' has been used twice, because, I dunno, I just like it.

Me either. o.0 Rhythm of the sea :shrug: still it seems to fit in here even if it is cliche. If you wanted to, you could reinforce it via sound, but that would probably wreck what you have here, I like this what you have here, except for the opening.

What, the repetition of sound of summer?

Which title did you think fitted it well?

Title, so far I have;

The blessings of summer

Take what's given

Run with it (In place of having it)

And, yeah, that's it....I said I need help for this one!! Lol.

my vote is on 'the blesings of summer'. I think it fits it best. that's just my opinoin on it though.

Ta.

The blessings of Summer fits perfectly, I like it. Or you could have it more direct as Summer's blessings if you wanted. :)