This thread plays of the Movie Quote one. We all watch T.V., well most of us anyway. What are your favorite quotes from your favorite T.V. shows? Mine are:


"'Look at my mask, isn't it pretty? It raises the dead.' Stupid Americans" - Giles, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"Welcome back, you naughty little monkeys" - Craig Fergeson, The Late Late Show with Craig Fergeson

"I mock you with my monkey pants" - Oz, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

My favorite TV Quote is from OneTreeHill..

"Remember tonight for it is the beginning of forever" - Nathan, OneTreeHill

"he's not groping her, is he?"
"no, but earlier, i saw him cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket."

- veronica mars

"Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why." - Anya "Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 'The Body' "

"Dont say retarded Chris, we prefer to be called little people." Peter (Family Guy)

Its not my favorite but its the only one that came to mind.

Ok I found some good quotes!!:partyboy:


Lex: "Are you the only one that blames the meteors instead of me?"
Chloe: "Pretty much."
-Smallville

Lex: "Take a look at the stars, Clark. Some of them have been extinguished for thousands of years, but their light is only reaching us now. The past is always influencing the present. I can’t change that. All I can do is try to understand it."
-Smallville

Ignignokt: Using a key to gouge explicatives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust, and friendship.
-Aquateen hugerforce

Master Shake: He's not in the bus, Frylock, he is the bus.
-Aquateen Hungerforce

Master Shake: "Plaque is a figment of the dental industry and the liberal media to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now I have read the arguements on both side and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth."
Meatwad: "I don't know how'd you know. You ain't got any teeth."
Master Shake: "That's because I got rid of my teeth at a young age because...Im straight...teeth are for gay people. Thats why fairies come and get 'em"
-Aquateen hungerforce

Stella: There's a simple solution to any fashion dilemma---SHOPPING!

Icy: He'll be so grateful, he'll join our side.
Darcy: I sure hope so.
Stormy: You are so crushing on him.
Darcy: No I am not.
Stormy: Yeah, sure, you just think he'd be useful to us.
Darcy: He'd be more useful than Nutt, that's for sure.
Icy: I think Darcy would like to make him her pet project, emphasis on the pet!
-Winx club

Raven: (To Dr. Light) Next time you want to pick a place to rob, try and find one we can't see from our living room

Slade: It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?

Raven: This party, is pointless.
Some goth Guy: Everything's pointless, wanna go talk about it?
-Teentitans

One more quote!! Thisis from Alice and the wonderland I think it is said by the mad hatter. "We are all mad here."

"Now remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family!" - Homer Simpson

" sum day we'll be goin 2 america.. maybe not 2day and maybe not 2mora.. but sum day...." " later that day... we set sail" Old man simpson and Abe Simpson respectively
" im 2 be on my best behaviour and not mention poo...OH GOD WOT HAV I DUN?" the boy from family guy

My favorite TV quote is definitely "Let's hug it out B!@#$" by Ari in Entourage season 1. He always asks "you want to hug it out" now in the second season. It's hilarious.

hey instead of listening to Funk Rock we should listen to Funk rock
T.V. Show:stella
By:Spencer

these came to my mind:

"you remind me of a poem i cant remember, a song that may not actually exist and a place im not sure ive ever been to" - Abe Simpson, The Simpons

"do u have grease?"
"yes, yes we do"
"thenn grease me up woman!!!!"
"oakie dokie" - groundskeeper willie and the cafertria lady, the simpsons.

"I love you, but I just don't like you anymore." Mason to Daisy
-Dead Like Me

*licks her finger and holds it up* "Feel that? thats the IQ falling." George
-Dead Like Me

Here's two:

"Stick them all because I probably have."
-She's Too Young (Lifetime Movie)

"Does Wayne Brady have to choke a bitch?"
-Dave Chapelle Show

Friends... this might take a while...

Rachel: Ok, well, I'm turnin' in.
Chandler: Rach, we gotta settle.
Rachel: Settle what?
Chandler: The Jamestown Settlement of Virginia!

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Rachel: You learned some new moves.
Ross: A friend at work gave me Sex for Dummies as a joke. Who's laughing now?

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Rachel: You didn't finish reading it?
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back!

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Rachel: Didn't the chick and the duck di...
Phoebe: -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm.

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Rachel: So basically you guys get your ya-ya's by taking money from all of your friends.
Chandler: Yeah, and I get my ya-ya's from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

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Rachel: God, could you beleive what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Don't pay any attention to him, he's always like that
Phoebe: [laughs]
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Hello kettle? This is Monica you're black!

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Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff...
Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight!
Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening?
Ross: You take your time.

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Chandler: "Garge"?
Ross: Nautical term
Chandler: Cheating man!

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Ross: Uh, Pheebs I don't think "scrunchie" is a word...
Phoebe: Why not? If "crunchie" is a word why isn't "scrunchie"?
Chandler: All right well I'm usin that same argument for "fligament"

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Ross: [runs into hospital holding Marcel] You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a "K"!
Nurse: Get that animal outta here!
Ross: No the animal hospital is on the other side of the city he's choking!
Nurse: Excuse me? This hospital is for people!
Ross: Lady he IS people! He has a name! OK? He watches Jepordy! He... he... touches himself when no one's watching!

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Ross: Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel?
Chandler: Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight...
Ross: [puts message in cupboard]

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Phoebe: [Pulls out Monica's old bathing suit] Hey Monica what's this?
Monica: Oh, that's my old bathing suit from high school... I was bigger then...
Chandler: Really... I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticutt when it rained...

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Phoebe: Oh! What is that shiny thing?
Ross: [Quickly picks up Chandlers braclet from the floor]
Chandler: It's a...
[goes to take it away from Ross but Ross pushes his hand away]
Chandler: ... Yeah it's a little flashy...
Ross: No no... no no... this isn't flashy enough for a good fella...

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Phoebe: I just realized something. Joker is poker with a j... coincidence?
Chandler: Hey, that's "joincidence"... with a c.

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Chandler: And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist.
Joey: Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?

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Monica: What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother,
[trying to pronounce her name in French]
Phoebe: Nestlé Toulouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: [again trying to pronounce it in French] Nestlé Toulehouse.
Monica: Nestle Toll House?
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.

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[Chandler is afraid he's becoming like Mr. Heckles]
Chandler: We were both on the same track. Sure, my train is thirty years behind, but the stops are all the same - Bittertown, Aloneville, Hermit Junction.

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Benjamin Hobart: If you say yes, I'm serious, if you say no, I'm joking.

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Ross: You're crazy!
Benjamin Hobart: Crazy? Or... Romantic?
Ross: Crazy!
Benjamin Hobart: Ooor . . .
Ross: Get out!

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Dr. Leonard Green: So what's new with you?
Rachel: [hesitating] Uhh, well, I got TiVo...!
Dr. Leonard Green: [confused] What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant!

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Rachel: [Referring to Ross's new girlfriend] Ooh look, she's touching his leg.
Phoebe: Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive.

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Rachel: It's sick!
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel: Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.

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Phoebe: So, How are things going with Crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: You are hearing one side of the story. And FYI, she must have shown him over 30 paint samples and the response to each one was, "I don't give a tiny rat's ass!"
Phoebe: Well, she should have spent less time decorating and more time in the bedroom.

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Rachel: [looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their realtionship to work] Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all.
Phoebe: No, just another regular flying dwarf.

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Joey: Do you practice losing at the Grammys too?
Rachel: No, at the Grammys, I always win.

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Rachel: Want to have a last cup of coffee?
Chandler: Where?

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Phoebe: You think he is emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, he wouldn't be if she hadn't brought her office home every night.
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Years Eve, 1997.
Ross: I knew you were going to throw that at my face! She apologized and apologized. What more do you want?
Phoebe: We want the last six years back!
Ross: So do we! So do we!
Coffee people: [looking at Ross]
Ross: I'm sorry you had to see that.

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Phoebe: So, How are things going with Crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: You are hearing one side of the story. And FYI, she must have shown him over 30 paint samples and his response to each one was "I don't give a tiny rat's ass!"
Phoebe: Well, She should have spent less time decorating and more time in the bedroom.

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Janice: It's a small world after all.
Chandler: Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce!

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[Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first]
Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.
Rachel: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.
[kisses him on the cheek]

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[Erica has just given birth to the two babies that Monica and Chandler are going to adopt]
Monica: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.
Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name!
Monica: [pause] Son of a gun, it is!

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[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross]
Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.
[Mr. Zelner looks shocked]
Ross: I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!

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Joey: [Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour] Joey Tribianni
[pause]
Joey: 25
[pause]
Joey: Yeah I'm single
[pause]
Joey: Actor... hello?

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Amy: [referring to their other sister Jill] Who's gotten really fat by the way.
Rachel: Really?
Amy: Mom says she's gained like 15 pounds.
Rachel: Hips and thighs?
Amy: Ass and face.
Rachel: Ohh. I thought she was on Atkins.
Amy: She was. Carbs found her.

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[Joey is on Pyramid, the category is "Things you'd find in a fridge"]
Pyramid Partner: It's white.
Joey: Paper... snow... A GHOST?

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Rachel: I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding...?
Rachel: Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

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Phoebe: Will, just take off your shirt and tell us.

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Ross: [after trying to kiss his cousin]
[thinking]
Ross: Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER.
[actually speaking to his cousin]
Ross: I haven't had sex in a very long time.
[thinking again]
Ross: Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything.

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Ross: [talking to Rachel's old boss] If you rehire Rachel, I will give your son this genuine pterodactyl egg, replica.

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Chandler: I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?

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Ross: [waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom] Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
Richard: No.
Ross: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
Richard: I have a little comb.
Ross: Oh. And what do you call that?
Richard: A moustache comb.

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Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?
Rachel: [pause] You're so pretty.

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[Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding]
Ross: A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!

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Monica: I'll never have a first kiss again.
Phoebe: You'll have a last kiss.

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Joey: [shouts] Joey doesn't share food!

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Joey: How come we don't have jam at our place?
Chandler: Because the kids need shoes.

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Monica: [looking at the Playmate of the Month] Listen, these are her favorite things - chocolate, back rubs, walks on the beach at night.
Rachel: You know she is attractive, I would date her. You know, if I was "you know", I would date her.
Monica: Rach, if you were, "you know", which one of us would you date?
Rachel: [looking at Monica and Phoebe] Well, I don't know. I can't decide.
Monica: [looking at Rachel and Phoebe] I can't decide either.
Phoebe: [looking at Rachel and Monica] Monica.
Rachel: [very offended] Monica? Why Monica?
Phoebe: [picking up her coat] Uh, listen, weren't we going to lunch?

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Phoebe: ...And I found 500 extra bucks in my account.
Chandler: Ohhh, Satan's minions at work again!

Chandler: Do you know what's weird? Donald Duck never wear pants, but he's always in a towel when he gets out of the shower. Why?

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Ross: Did you see the kid on that nose?

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Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[Knock at door]
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

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[Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters]
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.

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Phoebe: Sting's pen...
[as she puts it in her purse]
Phoebe: ... that he gave to Phoebe.

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[Ross is having problems naming all 50 states]
Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.

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Chandler: We're getting a house.
Monica: We're getting a baby.
Chandler: We're growing up.
Monica: We sure are.
Chandler: So who's going to tell them?
Monica: Not it.
Chandler: Not it. Damn it!

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[to Joey]
Phoebe: Friendship means never having to give a reason.

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Chandler: What are you guys like a gang or something?
[Joey whispers to Rachel]
Joey: Yeah, we are.
[Rachel whispers to Joey]
Rachel: We're the Cobras.

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Erica: [playing a joke on Chandler] It'd really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, if you'd name him after my father - JimminyBillyBob.

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[Elizabeth is packing for spring break]
Ross: I'm just here to be supportive, to make sure you're...
[holding a tiny swimsuit from Elizabeth's suitcase]
Ross: What is this?
Elizabeth Stevens: A swimsuit.
Ross: To wear in front of people?
Elizabeth Stevens: Is that supportive?
Ross: [holding up swimsuit] Is *this*?

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Chandler: [talking to Monica about the new house] When did you start crapping money?

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Rachel: Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose.
Joey: Just flip the coin!

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Joey: [about Estelle] I'm going to call her and hire her again.
Phoebe: No, don't call her! Wait for her to call you.
Joey: Why?
Phoebe: Because... Patience is the road to understanding, which is the key to a happy heart.
Joey: You blow me away.

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Joey: Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls?
Chandler: Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman.

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Steve: Tartlets?... Tartlets?... Tartlets?... the word has lost all meaning.

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[last lines of the series]
Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica: We've got some time.
Rachel: Ok, should we get some coffee?
Chandler: Sure. Where?

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Phoebe: [singing] The cow in the meadow goes moo / The cow in the meadow goes moo / Then the farmer hits her on the head and grinds her / And that's where hamburger comes from.

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Ross: [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [from behind] I got off the plane.

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Joey: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they... liked the stupid gay thing and cast him! And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the First Lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV!

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Ross: Hi...
Joey: Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself.

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Ross: Grab a spoon... Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy don't be a hero" mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story! But I gotta go... I date with Angela... Andrea... Oh man!
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: Right thanks... it's Julie... I'm outta here!

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Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat!
Rachel: Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off
Chandler: Oh how well you know me

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Ross: Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class.
Chandler: Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?

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Ross: So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine!
Rachel: Oh yeah... I've done that
Ross: And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword!
Rachel: I've never done that
Ross: And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE!

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Chandler: I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you...
Ross: [takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him... ]

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Ross: I want someone who gets my heart pounding
[sees Rachel]
Ross: ... Someone who...
Chandler: Little play things with yarn?
Ross: What?
Chandler: Could you want her more?
Ross: Who?
Chandler: Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening".

[Ross looking at Monica's legs]
Ross: Wow.
Chandler: Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs

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Monica: [to Rachel, at the end of the pilot] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.

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[for the upcoming wedding, Ross and Chandler have gotten suits formerly worn by movie stars]
Ross: Hey, hey... why don't we put them on? You know, get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together.
Chandler: I would, but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight.
Monica: Too tight? I can see double-O *and* seven in those things.

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[Telling Rachel how to be sexy]
Joey: There was this movie, "Footloose".
Chandler: "Flashdance".
Joey: Where this plumber chick...
Chandler: She was a welder
Joey: What, were you like *in* the movie?

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Ross: I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake...
Joey: Mmm.
Ross: ...with mealworm.
Joey: Ugh.

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Phoebe: They're coming. Run!
Joey: Where?
Phoebe: Mexico!

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Rachel: I've never been to an analyst!
Phoebe: And it shows.

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Ross: We *were* on a *break*!

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[to the woman whose baby Chandler and Monica want to adopt]
Chandler: My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this, but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... it kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?

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Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you?
Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

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Chandler: What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.

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Joey: Of course it was a line!
Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that?
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."

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Ross: You-you-you-you
[trying to remain in control]
Ross: threw my sandwich away MY SANDWICH? MY SANDWICH!

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Chandler: Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
[Walks to the door and opens it to leave]
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry.
[Burst into song and dances out of the door]
Chandler: 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... '

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Phoebe: I'm in Vice. Yeah, in fact, I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.
Cop: Who... who else is in vice up there?
Phoebe: Um, do you know, um Sipowicz?
Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.
Phoebe: Yeah, Sipowicz. Yeah, um, big guy, kind of bald.
Cop: No, I don't know him.
Phoebe: Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there. He's out. His, um... his partner just died.
Cop: Wow. Well, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.
Phoebe: I sure will. Take care.
Cop: Hey! By the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good.

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Rachel: You gotta come with me!
Phoebe: Come where?
Rachel: Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones!
Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey, too.

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Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go.
Chandler: You got your passport?
Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that.

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Phoebe: Aw, Phoebes...
Rachel: Honey, that's *your* name.
Phoebe: That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other.

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Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.

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Ross: So, uh, how long are you going to punish him?
Joey: Five years.
Ross: You've sentenced him?
Joey: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

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Monica: [sneeze] Oh, gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold!
Phoebe: You mean you stole it!
Monica: [sneeze]
Phoebe: Don't cover your mouth when you do that!

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Ross: So why don't you quit?
Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like have 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you. And then they bring out Maria.
Ross: Who is Maria?
Chandler: Ah, Maria. You can't say no to her. She's like this lycra/spandex covered gym... treat.

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Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
Ross: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay?
Rachel: Now I love you even more.

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Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Joey: By someone besides Monica?

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Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

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Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
Monica: He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there!
Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!

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[Dismissed from her gig at Central Perk, Phoebe is singing out in the street]
Phoebe: [singing angrily] When I play, I play for me / I don't need your charity.
[a passerby throws money on Phoebe's guitar case]
Phoebe: [cheerfully] Oh, thank you!

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Phoebe: You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom.
Ross: Uh... why do you think that?
Phoebe: Well, okay... the first thing she was drawn to was the orange felt lining of my guitar case.
Ross: So?
Phoebe: So... my mom's favorite fish was orange ruffee.
[Everyone stares... ]
Phoebe: Cats love fish!

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Will: Look at her holding those yams. Those are our two worst enemies, Ross - Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.

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Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Phoebe has a taste of "Mockolate"]
Phoebe: Eww! Eww! That must be what evil tastes like!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: I think we've all learned a lesson about who's disgusting around here. Now, anybody want some fried chicken? I'm only eating the skins, so the chicken's up for grabs

Rachel: [upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry. I don't own a t.v.
Joey: You don't own a t.v.? What's all your furniture pointed at?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]
Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Wait.
[runs hands through hair]
Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old girl.
Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In a Scottish Accent, on the phone]
Rachel: Oh Hello Dr Geller. This is Professor McNulty from the fake accent University. We'd like you to come on board with us full time.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why.
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And then it hit me. I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard abs?
Chandler: No. I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In Vegas, Phoebe is annoyed by a 'lurker']
Phoebe: Everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk right behind you, and I'll be on your ass every hour of every day... until Monday... coz that's when I leave. When do you leave?
Lurker: Also Monday.
Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room]
Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial.
[There is a knock at the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced.
Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[talking to Monica]
Chandler: Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Mike: I am Mike.
Joey: Attaboy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes]
[Just been told the patients date of birth]
Joey: Age...?
Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth?
Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tag: Phoebe? Wow... that's a great name.
Phoebe: Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Do you ever think about the future?
Richard: Yeah, I think about the future.
Monica: Am I in it?
Richard: You are my future.
Monica: Honey, you are about to get so lucky.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Joey, Chandler: That's nice.
Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.
Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Joey: He should take the sack?
Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.
Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: Hey you! When you left, my boss Johanna started asking questions about you...
Chandler: Aw, like what she saw huh? Dug my action did she? Checkin' out The Chan-Chan Man!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners, and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's]
Chandler: Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
Joey: What if we have to pee?
[pause]
Chandler: I'll cancel the sodas...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts?
Rachel: 14.
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks, man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You've got a male nanny? You've got a manny?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick.
Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"?
Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Is Phoebe here with the cab yet?
Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler and Monica run into Richard and his new girlfriend]
Richard: I see your hair grew long.
Monica: Yeah, like you always wanted to. I see you grew your mustache back.
Richard: Yeah, my nose was getting lonely.
Chandler: [to Richard's date] It's a good thing you don't have a mustache.
[laughs, stops abruptly and extends his hand]
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress]
Gloria Tribbiani: In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish]
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Richard: [about Chandler & Joey] They're different from my other friends, they don't start sentences with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment]
Judy Geller: Well, we'll get going.
Jack Geller: Bye.
[both leave]
Monica: Hey. How come they get to leave?
Joey: Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country.
Monica: No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[hitting on a lesbian at Carol and Susan's wedding]
Chandler: You know what, penis, shmenis we're all people.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag]
Joey: Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
[Chandler looks at the bag]
Chandler: Yes, it is... at Office Max.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey is having trouble getting a birthday present for Kathy]
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
Chandler: For three years?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off of the penis and moved it to the bunny... That's a WEIRD sentence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma?
Chandler: Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke.
Ross: No, it's MY joke.
Chandler: No, it's mine.
Ross: No, it was MY joke.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Looking through the ads in a newspaper]
Monica: There are no jobs for me.
Joey: Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked?
Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef?
Joey: No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Seriously?
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair.
[she starts crying]
Rachel: And it was uneven for weeks.
Ross: [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.
Rachel: Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.
[pause]
Rachel: And I was thinking Claire Danes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.

Ross: [on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on.
[gets second line]
Ross: Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on.
[returns to second line]
Ross: Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend.
[switches back to second line]
Monica: Give me that.
[into phone]
Monica: Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house?
[pause]
Monica: Oh, hi mom.
[starts throwing things at Ross]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward]
Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...
Joey: I know. I know.
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.
Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah I know. I miss that.
Joey: Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.
[long, awkward pause]
Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time.
Joey: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.
Richard: Well...
Joey: No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads.
[Chandler kicks, out of sight]
Joey: I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow.
[to Chandler]
Joey: What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At an audition]
Joey: Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent.
[with Jamaican accent]
Joey: Ya, mon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch?
Joey: Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know.
Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model.
Interviewer: A Mento?
Joey: Right.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore]
Joey: I'm not Drake.
Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
Erica: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because... because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me.
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't.
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard.
[Chandler throws water in his face]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi. Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange.
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.
Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada.
[pause]
Chandler: I'll let myself out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks.
Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: So you wanna?
Chandler: OK.
[pauses]
Chandler: I can't.
Monica: [Snaps] Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.
Chandler: I can't because of Emma.
Monica: Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class]
Chandler: So, who is she?
Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.
Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer.
Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Where are the seats exactly?
Ross: Middle balcony.
Phoebe: Now would you say that that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Than it's not breaking the law. I can go.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff?
Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself.
Joey: [laughs] You're gonna do it?
Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this?
Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: I love marriage.
Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after having sex with Rachel's boss]
Rachel: You promised you would break up with her.
Chandler: I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it]
Rachel: I will have the uh,
[whispers]
Rachel: side salad.
Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side of?
Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?
Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up...
[notices Monica's angry glare]
Chandler: And now I wish I was dead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down]
Joey: Hey, do you need any help?
Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?

[Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding]
Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judy Geller: Chandler can't be here. He can't see Monica in the wedding dress before the wedding. It's bad luck.
Nora Bing: At my wedding, I saw the groom in a wedding dress.
Charles Bing: You saw me after the wedding. It wasn't a bad luck charm.
Nora Bing: Trust me honey, it can't be good luck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible.
Rachel: Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel: [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards]
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card]
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: [clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller.
Jack Geller: DR. Ross Geller.
Ross: Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: [about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend] So, how did you two meet?
Nora Bing: Well, actually, it's a funny story...
Chandler: Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny-
[makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment.
Phoebe: Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert?
Ross: I'm not a pervert.
Phoebe: Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chandler is caught smoking]
Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years.
Chandler: And this- is my reward.
Ross: Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather.
Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: I am telling this to Rachel.
Monica: No, Joey.
Joey: Unless...
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first born after me.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni.
[pause]
Joey: Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked.
Chandler: ...All right.
Joey: YEAH.
Chandler: But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey.
Monica: Ok, so who's going to be there?
Chandler: No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough.
Ross: Well, actually, I have a date tonight.
Chandler: Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party.
Joey: [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight?
Ross: Sure.
Mona: Ok. Bye.
Ross: Bye.
Chandler: [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: You two were having sex.
Monica: No, we weren't.
Joey: Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair.
[to Chandler]
Joey: You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Flashback scene, 3 years before the pilot]
Phoebe: [looks through window] Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [to a woman] Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: [to Ross] Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right?
Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep".
Chandler: And then he did.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself.
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man.
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to that guy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg. And then, there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
[Chandler and Ross stare at him]
Joey: What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
Chandler: Maureen Rosilla.
Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part]
Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General.
Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major?
Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica]
Jack Geller: Come on, tell us.
Jack's friend: Yeah. Is she really 20?
Richard: I'm not telling you guys anything.
Jack Geller: Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that.
Jack Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends?
Richard: Jack, would you let it go?
Jack Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster.
Richard: Guys, seriously, it's not like that.
Jack Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could...
Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING.
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you...
[to Joey]
Chandler: Well, except you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Monica thinks that Chandler has a shark fetish]
Monica: Do you want me to get inside the bathtub and thrash around?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?
Ross: 517.
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: What happens to the old Christmas trees?
Joey: They go into the chipper.
Phoebe: Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross was selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Ross: I lost. I only got second place. This one girl gave her girl scout outfit to her 19 year old sister. She went down to the U.S.S Nimitz and sold 2000 boxes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Janine: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
[kisses Joey]
Joey: [mumbles] Oomchimawa.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"]
Director: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
[Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica]
Director: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[In mens' room]
Joey: Hey, Tall Guy. How's it going?
Tall Guy: Good.
Joey: You know that girl who's your dancing partner?
Tall Guy: Yeah, tell me about it. I was almost about to bring my wife.
Joey: Yeah, well, I kinda came with her. And, I hoping...
Tall Guy: No.
Joey: Come on, man. I've been trying to ask her out for a month, now. I had this plan where I kiss her on the New Year's countdown.
Tall Guy: I can see where you're coming from. But... no. Sorry she's fair game.
Joey: ...All right, that's fair.
[throws water at Tall guy's crotch]
Tall Guy: Hey. What're you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey. You're the one wetting your pants.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents]
Phoebe: Oh, my god. Under the couch.
[takes out bag]
Rachel: We got one. It's a Macy's bag.
[turns it over and an old shoe falls out]
Phoebe: Yay. Who's it for?
Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear suckers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch. P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Phoebe: Oh, no. I think she might be on to us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time]
Ross's Date: Wow. They must both be very strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead]
Ross: So, did you bring Joey?
Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing.
[Chandler walks in]
Ross: Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica.
Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phoebe: [about Ross] I'm trying not to be mad at him, but man that guy can push my buttons.
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that...
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking. Has anyone seen my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross" on it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Frank was supposed to name one of his sons after Chandler]
Frank Buffay Jr.: Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl.
Chandler: Hold on, kindergarten flashback.
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, there was a mistake. It turns out that we missed it on the x-rays, the baby was a girl after all. Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl.
Chandler: Oh, please keep screaming that.

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Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.

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[after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice]
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Joey: He's grieving.
[We see Chandler running outside]
Chandler: I'M FREE. I AM FREE.

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Rachel: I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated dad's office.
Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

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Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

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Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.

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Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex?
Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography.
Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in.
Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

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Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.

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Phoebe: Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you.
[pause]
Phoebe: Except for you, Joey.

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Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals.
Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops?

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Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a
[mumble]
Phoebe: handlerrrrr.

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Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong?
Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it.
Chandler: Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta..."?

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Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa.
Phoebe: What thing about Santa?
Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Of course.
Joey: Ok, see you later.
[leaves]
Phoebe: Bye.
[stares, terrified]

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Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States.

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Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.

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Phoebe: You still love Rachel.
Ross: No, I don't.
Phoebe: You got married to her.
Ross: In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey.
Phoebe: [angry] Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.

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Chandler: Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance.
Ben: Thanks, daddy.
Ross: No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: That's amazing. How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
Chandler: 'Cause Joey and me used theirs up last night, making scary faces.

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[Ross's cousin is very attractive]
Cassie: The last time we were together was in that cabin our parents rented. Remember that?
Ross: Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're probably too old for that.
Cassie: Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's when I got these freckles.
[reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap]
Ross: Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either. That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out?
Ross: Yeah, I'm a little slow.
[softly]
Ross: Just like our children would be...

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Cassie: Wow. You do a great Chandler.
Ross: Wha?... Huh?... Oh, yeah. I, uh, do a lot of impressions.
[laughs nervously]
Ross: It's, uh, a hobby.
Cassie: Oh, well, maybe when we catch up you could do me.
Ross: Ye- No.

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Chandler: You can't wear Batman's tux. I got James Bond's tux. You'll ruin the special time for me.
Ross: Look, you're marrying the woman you love. It's special enough.
Chandler: [mimics Ross] Me me me me me meh. Don't do this to me. I wouldn't do anything on your wedding to make you upset.
Ross: At my wedding, you slept with my sister.
Chandler: 'Cause that's what 007 would do.

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[On living alone]
Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him]
Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe?
Rachel: Not right now.

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Chandler: [comes home] Hey.
Monica: Hey. Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner?
Chandler: Sidney Poitier?
[laughs by himself]
Monica: [pause] I miss Rachel...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie.
Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line.
[winks at Joey]

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[Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling]
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here.
[Joey and Chandler laugh]
Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple.
Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry.
Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation again.

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[Chandler and Joey are looking at Richard's videotape collection]
Chandler: Oh my God.
Joey: What?
Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
Joey: Ooh. A tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape.
[Joey thinks]
Joey: Wait a minute. This says Monica.
[Joey looks around]
Joey: And this is Richard's apartment.
Chandler: Get there faster.

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Chandler: My dad slept with Mr. Gribaldi.
Monica: Who's Mr. Gribaldi?
Chandler: DOES IT MATTER?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monica: Pack your things, we're going to Vegas.
Chandler: You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning.
[Monicas stares at him]
Chandler: Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?

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Charles Bing: Hello, Nora.
Nora Bing: Hello, Charles.
Charles Bing: Well, it's nice to see all of you. Although we are seeing a bit too much of some. Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Nora Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that!

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Chandler: Here's something I hope I never have to say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Monica: Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll go see if Rachel has one.
Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

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[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.

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Ross: Ok, Monica once got a pencil stuck in a certain part of her body. What body part was it?
[Chandler whispers the answer in Ross' ear]
Ross: EEWW NO. Her EAR.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it?
Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chandler: Ok, I'm just going to go outside.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, hold it.
Chandler: Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air.
Ross: Ok.
Chandler: [exits into hallway and lights a cigarette] Ahh, fresh air...

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[Chandler is walking down the aisle with both his parents]
Chandler: You look beautiful mom.
Nora Bing: Thanks, dear.
Charles Bing: Ahem.
Chandler: You... look beautiful too, dad.

This is off eastenders & i've always remembered this quote 4 sum reason! It was years ago now-

Pauline Fowler- We'll have to buy a mobile for the baby

Martin Fowler- What would a baby need a phone for?!


BAHAHAHAA

"Trying is the first step towards failure" --Homer Simpson. If anyone can tell me what episode that's from, I'll give you a quarter.

i rock peas on my head but dont call me a pea head. i got bees on my head but dont call me a bee head. bruce lee is on my head but dont call me a lee head. this is the andy milonakas show. yea whut he said.

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."- Eric Cartman

"If you won't hear the truth, then no one can tell you." -The Passion Of The Christ

"First of all, *pauses* thanks for calling me skinny, and second of all, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?" -Gracie on Miss Congeniality 2 speaking to Agent Fuller

*when the house is full of bubbles*"This is like a party! Who has this?"-Brandon, Viva La Bam

Raab-"You don't just get into the playboy mansion!"
Don Vito-"YESHU DO!! WHEN YOU GOT A 20 YEAR PERSCRIPTION YOU DO!!"
Raab-"Oh so now you have a perscription to the playboy mansion"
Rake*on cell phone*-"Bam, your uncles going to get us arrested"
Viva La Bam

" And we owe it all to mind-bending pills." -Homer Simpson

The Simpsons has the best quotes ever.
Homer Quotes (he says the funniest things) -

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

"When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something."

"I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

"Oh, so they have internet on computers now!"

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

AHHHH
Too much friends!!!
*faints*

Ok, here's my ones:

'There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate1 ~ Buffy 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'