This is a simple, yet meaningful poem I wrote, I was running out of things to talk about and on my local news it was talking about Drunk Driving and such... so I thought maybe I should write I poem, It does O.K in the Rhyming department, but I just wanted it to mean something. I liked for it to begin with He and She until the end.

He lionizes the drinks at the bar
She is walking to a friends house
He is drunk, yet, gets into his car
She wants to show her friend her new blouse
He takes off fast, and unstable
She only has a few houses left to go
He is headed for poor Maple
She lets out a scream "Oh No"
He and his car crashes right into her
She is lieng on the road
He keeps going, steady, and turns
She is left there to die
He gets home untouched and safe
Her mother finds her dead daughter and cries
For him, it was just another ordinary day.

it makes its point.
the "oh no" part i didn't like so much.

Bland. Needs more spice to it. More colour. Seemed forced as well - 'unstable, Maple'

The exclaimatory statement "Oh No" could do with an exclamation mark. Eg. "Oh No!"

Try reading it without the repetitive 'she's' and 'he's'. So :'Only a few houses left to go' - could be like a thought maybe.

yeah it was like describing a commercial. but just that. there was no emotion and the vocab was okay althought it had nice punctuationa and good meaning. i was boring to say like aura did.