My heart, at 17, is new to this
Unbroken, willing to gamble on love;
His heart, at 19, however is fairly worn
Untrusting, unable to open completely.
I understand this and tread lightly
avoiding the scars of where he was torn apart,
I'm so careful to spare him,
so eager to have his affection returned.

I know that he won't be here forever,
But my heart is his already.

His hands feel cold and soft,
as he begins to caress my skin,
I kiss him passionately,
as we fall into each other's arms,
My intense feelings for him
rush over my entirety.
For a moment, I am lost within him.

I wonder if I mean as much
as the night fades.

In moments of lust,
we said things we really didn't mean.
He said he would wait for me,
and I told him I loved him.
It was only while he was in my arms,
It was only while my lips were pressed to his.
We are too young to know love.
We are too young to know anything.

Lust is deceiving
for he was never mine to begin with.

Well, I'm really bad at cristisism so sorry. I think it was really good though.

Good. Perhaps you could introduce some more imagery, other than concentrating on you and him. Maybe if you were on a ship, or on ground indicate that in the poem. Link ideas accordingly somehow or use connotations.

Here:

His voice somehow soothed my soul,
lifted the torment off my shoulders.


Second line : Perhaps include 'anchored' = a pre-modifying adjective which links each other together, before the 'torment' eg. 'anchored torment' - this is an example of a connotation as it associates with the sailor.

Um. Try not to kill the comma and semi-colon, remember fullstops can give abruptness.


Here:

My intense feelings for him
rush over my entirety.
For a moment, I am lost within him;
and I wonder if I mean as much
as the night fades.


You could sum this up with one word if it was pre-arranged.
Eg. 'rush over my entirety
And I wonder if I mean as much
as the night fades = you could save that if you want, it gives excess bulk here.
But for that moment, I am - (hesitation in flow but you don't have too much detail)
Lost

You could give more detail of your surroundings and add light contrasts in there - so with the whiteness of his suit (if he's wearing one) or perhaps the moon.

Just a few suggestions.

I liked it. I'll give deeper criticism later, when I'm not dead tired. But mostly I liked it. Cute.

Thanks for your help...I think I just made it worse though. I'll continue my thoughts and look at it again tomorrow when I'm not really tired. All Critisism is welcome! Thanks

I liked it better the first time. What you added to the poem didn't really add to the poem, if that makes any sense. It just made it longer. Sounds like you're just talking and talking without saying much. I'd condense it back.

And more criticism will come when it's not 12:30 in the morning.

after 6 months... I edit it again... pathetic... let me know how to fix it again.