Why did you leave me daddy,
In a world so cold?
Why did you leave me daddy,
To sit and grow old?
Why did you leave me daddy,
Was it to find peace?
Why did you leave me daddy,
My head revolves the pain and caprice.

Why did you leave me daddy,
That one dark day,
Why did you leave me daddy,
Why couldn't you stay?
Why did you leave me daddy,
As i clutch the gun,
Why did you leave me daddy,
Now lets have some fun.

Why did you leave me daddy!
I hate you so bad!
Why did you leave me daddy!
Mother was so sad!
Why did you leave me daddy!
You deserve to Hang!
Why did you leave me daddy!
Time to go out with a bang!

Why did you leave me daddy!
That's the way the story is told,
Why did you leave me daddy!
My soul i just sold.
Why did you leave me daddy!
Look in my eyes of blue.
Why did you leave me?
I got them from you.
Why did you leave me daddy?
your meant to take away my fears!
Why did you leave me daddy?
Never talk in 18 years.
Why did you leave me daddy?
Time to go figure.
Why did you leave me daddy?
Answer while i pull the trigger.

This poem is based on a true story about the relationship me and my dad had... Except i never had a gun and i never pulled the trigger...But the questions i in it i yelled at him...
Write back please

That was a nice basic "bad daddy" poem.
My head revolves the pain and caprice.

I'm not sure about using the word caprice. It kind of sticks out since the rest of the poem is written very simply.

Yea but it is also a powerful line

i really did like this a lot. it's scary tho kuz it hits close to home. the line, My head revolves the pain and caprice...is it supposed to be revolves around or just revolves? just wondering. i love the way u repeat Why did u leave me daddy. and just wondering again, did u mean to leave out "daddy" in the line before I got them from you? overall i really enjoyed it. I think its well written. and really powerful all together!

No i ment everything i wrote on this... It does hit close to home as i sorta had a bad childhood... But i reckon you poems, that girls and mine all could be one hell poets

ahha! yeah i guess u could say that. i have read a lot of ur stuff. its pretty good. just thought id let ya know. so about how long have u been writing?

yea home........ ehhhkkkkk.......
anyways try to keep it a bit less emo
and if ur gonna keep repeating those lines over and over, try to space it out a bit with a few other lines
try combining to form stanzas

well thts my 2sense

For years...about 3 or 4... I write stories and songs... Everything just come out of my head all in once...it never stops..drives me insane...i got a B+ in english just 1% off getting an A... If you want anymore i will make some up...im probably flooding the site with my poems lol

lol! so u still in ur teen years. just wondering kuz i am. yeah, i luv it when my english teachers give us poetry projects. i alwayz ace em. i know my poetry isnt great but i think its good for my age. ive been writin since i wuz about 12. i just wish more people would leave responses to my poems. how it made em feel or how it could be better u know. yeah, ive already put like i think 4 or 5 of mine on here! lol.

i hate you grr

:rage:

Im 18 so i am i am borderline adult, teen lol...depending what country your in....Im an aussie so it kinda means im an adult and yet a teen...legal enough to drink, drive, vote and smoke lol... Well i only met u today...but PM me if you want ta chat to me....

i just might do that. and just wondering dont_ask, wuz the i hate u grrr post in response to me? kuz if so wut have i done for u to hate me?

errgh
by u asking if it was u wit ur ignorance has made me now h8 u 2

okay, wutever! i dont like to be a downer so im just gonna let it slide! happy thoughts people! lol.

...and there's another reason i dislike u

1. You're all idiots. Learn big words, and proper grammar, and type out words instead of being lazy. Maybe then you can have an adult argument. Better yet, take it to PM's. No one cares about why you hate the other people, promise.

2. The poem was excessively repetitive. It wasn't a good thing. You shouldn't write so basically and throw in words like "caprice". Ever. It doesn't flow with the rest of the poem. You need more images, better vocabulary, either rhyming that isn't forced and crappy or no rhyming at all, and some poetic devices. This is cliche, boring, and monotonous. I know that it's close to home and getting emotions out- I'm not saying that's bad. Just that you need to work on the piece's poetic soundness and make it a better read.

ok
i don't see you posting any poems ah?
what right you have to call us idiots just because of bad grammar!
your wrong!
people do care!
just not you!
their is nothing wrong with a repetitive poem!
your the boring one!
i have seen none of your poems!
why don't you show some ah?
stop being judgemental about people just because they make mistakes doesn't mean their idiots!
it was a well done poem!
ignore their futile comments!

I think you've killed the comma!

Why did you suddenly change the comma to an exclamation mark half way through?

It doesn't need all those commas either. The repetition ties it in rather well, but be careful of the balance. Rhyming in this has made it seem limited. Bring more It needs to be used wisely. And I agree with phs4n6, if you worked alittle more on the poetic side, it would improve.

Don't expect me to take you or any of the other people who posted on this thread seriously if you cannot even tell which form of "they're/there/their" to use. I didn't call them idiots because of their lack of grammar skills. I called them idiots for posting about 2 words/post to argue without even actually arguing, and doing it stupidly, and not understanding that no one cares who likes who- that's not why we're on this forum. There's nothing wrong with repetitive poetry if it's interesting. This one was not. It was monotonous. If you want to see my poems, you can search for them. I don't claim to actually write well myself, just be able to tell crappy writing from good writing when I see it- but you're welcome to find my poems and rip them to shreds if you wish. I'd actually appreciate it.

it was not interesting to you!
but other people liked it!
like me! :D

i also think that this poem is great! well it is abit scary, but hey our minds are pretty scary! GOOD WORK!!!!

Wow...I havent checked it for awhile and now i have people arguing over it.. ooks Phs4n6 and Aura Bell Poems dont have to be interesting..we arent Edgar Allen Poe's here we are teenagers who like to write...Some write good some write bad..unlike some i give good feedback.. Take Crow for instance he writes positive..U cant kill the comma. The fcat that when i was in school we were told to use that..

Then it's your teacher's fault that you're simultaneously, which could be spelled wrong, raping and murdering the comma. Doesn't make it untrue. But really, we stopped arguing over it a long time ago. I've learned that you people who don't want to improve will never listen to anything logical or helpful. So drop it already.

ppl have different tastes. but..i have to agree deeply with AuraBell and phs4n6. it was repetitive and frankly you i felt that you could do more. it was missing something, and that
"Why did you leave me daddy?"
line just annoyed me for some reason. i know you can write way better, ive read your works and theyre good but this one came as a downer for me, thats my opinion. sorry if i offended. write more. you can do alot better.and peotry is meant to be interesting and with meaning. without these 2 things youre basically getting the reader to not even want to read it. im not saying you have to professional at poetry. merely that you have these 2 things. thats what poetry is about, expressing feelings,interest, and showing meaning. im not saying youre a bad writer. im saying you can improve and that you can write better. criticism is criticism, you have to accept it instead of arguing how your poem wasnt bad. some like it, some dont. this didnt do it for me. you can do better. write more.

Thanks Arthas... I like ur work too

So it's okay when he says it? Lucky duck. :p I wish people thought I was that cool.

By the way, Arthas, darlin'... post more work. Please and thank you.

I really liked this poem. When I started to read the first stanza, I thought it was about loosing a father who just died and left you. So I read it cuz it kinda explained why my father died. But the killin and stuff.... Are you okay???

Im fine. Its the expression of what i feel inside..

Oh, kay...Just makin sure...Just so you know, I really liked it. A lot of imagery. Keep it up!

Thanks...I write alot about my family...i dont exactly get along with em

Great idea. Cliche, but a great idea. Also very repetitive, but not a bad poem. Emotional, definatley.

Please check out my "Liaison in the Company of Stars."