Night Sheds Shadows Succumb to Sleepless Serenity
In an Everlasting Image
Of an Unintended Disaster
Aspirations Spinning Hopeless Devestations
In a Cycle Never Ending
Birth and Rebirth on a Straight Collision Course
Fading with Each Passing
Burning in The Fire
Of Past Laughs and Past Sins
And of Dreams we've Let Expire
Each Day Brining More and More
To Forget and To Erase
Self-Asphyxiation
Caused by Dwelling in The Past
Phantasms of A Life Once Led
Will Slowly Turn it Back
Beginning once Again
From Scratch and Misery
Finding In Oneself
The Strength that Was Unseen
The Strength to Turn the Cycles Tide
To see the Painted Pictures Lie
Dispising Life's Dissilusionment
That One Last Concrete Curtain
Burnt Is the Veil of Hopelessness
A Simmering Subconcious
Of Which I am Certain
The Cycle is Never Ending
There is No Place left to Abhor
Desperate Adulations
That Commenced Here on this Floor
Empty Space between Top and Bottom
Of A Heart and Soul Spinning Revelations
Colors Blending
Still Not Fading.....

you know this kind of reminds me of an evanesence song lol.. but it is still good .. good job

Just out of curiosity which Ev. song would that be? I'd like to hear it, this is one of my favorite poems that I have written, and it's strange how it came to be, because i'm on literary magazine at my school, I'm actually an editor, and my advisor was upset with me because i hadn't submitted anything myself yet, so I just sat there in the middle of his class on his computer and typed this one up, usually i have much more inspiration behind it... just curious as to where this might have come from, see if theres some sort of subconcious correlation to this song. I used to listen to their old music alot, but i haven't listened in at least a year... just a strange thought that's all....

Hmm ok I really liked this because of your use of imagry and the overall construction... Im not much of a critic when it comes to like use of these things though... I like the use of the cycle of life through out... every phrase with its construction reverted back to that idea even if it wasnt stated... I like the use of capitilization it also gave the cylclish feel... Also your lack of punctuation and ending with elipses points gave the neverending circular feel... I also enjoyed the paradox provided with sleepless serenity it gave the picture of life being an insomniac and that it continues despite our self centerdness and affixiation w/ the past....

How far off am i?

Would it sound incribly cliche and childish in saying that you honestly just took my breath away... as many people as have read that in the past month, not one grasped anywhere near what you have... The meaning of what i wrote was Life in general my take on it and no matter how much there is there is always more and that when it seems like its the end its always just another form of the begining... and Basicaly the cycle... thankyou so much, also very glad you mentioned the affixiation with the past because that seems to be the definition of my life in the last month or so and when i wrote this.

lol yay... I like you welcome to teenspot... I connected well with this poem... so I feel what your going through... My names Jeff btw..

Well thankyou very much for the welcome, and i'm glad someone connected to what i'm saying, it's not very often that i find that, that's actually why i joined this, and it's worth it even if only one person in millions actually gets it, thankyou again... and i'm Gabby

Sorry to whore up your thread... but do you have msn or AIM? id love to talk to u...

Yeah my AIM is Succubusiniq, don't worry about whoring my thread though, no one else was commenting anyway.... I wont be able to talk for very long tonight though i've got to wake up in four hours, you know usual morning routine, ciggerette, breakfast, 2 mile jog, then about an hour of rehearsal before i head into school (for three more hours of rehearsal, blah i'll be glad when this show is over on friday, haha you have no clue what i'm talking about, it's for my theatre course i took this year we're putting on a show, i have about 12 scripts to memorize plus choreography, plus work on my vocals, because i have 3 songs i'm performing... ahh a hectic life)... but i would enjoy to talk to you some time

I completly understand... I have football which is almost as hectic as that... except i use whiskey instead of cigerettes...

oh yeah little side note, my away message is almost always up, but i'm here, i just talk to people with it up, kind of like screening calls

First impression:
I really don't want to read that because you capitalized so many things.

Second impression:
You're saying a lot without actually saying anything at all. You have so many words there...but they don't seem to add up to anything. I can't picture anything while reading it, and so it doesn't seem to be about anything at all. I realize it's about "life," but it doesn't actually seem to be about "life." It's more like some imagined cycle that you describe with fanciful language.

It sounds nice, but it just doesn't do anything for me. I can't connect with it.

Second impression:
You're saying a lot without actually saying anything at all. You have so many words there...but they don't seem to add up to anything. I can't picture anything while reading it, and so it doesn't seem to be about anything at all. I realize it's about "life," but it doesn't actually seem to be about "life." It's more like some imagined cycle that you describe with fanciful language.


i second this entirely. your elevated language and obvious understanding of good poetry leads me to expect better of you, and this is the very first poem i've read on these forums. it seems to me that, with this poem, you seek to tell something that your own experience with "good" poetry (or perhaps music, because it seems oddly remeniscient of lyrics, as has been said before) actually hinders you.

dont try to write more intelligently than your inner voice speaks, is my best advice.

if that sounds the least bit offensive, it was completely meant in a benign way.

^^ You stated what I wanted to say in a much better way. :)

oh it was not offensive at all, as you probably read in my previous comments this poem was written hastily and it was also not written for me, let me elaborate on that, i didn't feel the "inspiration" to write i just knew that i needed to and i was going through a very rough period, as most people are now a days, I wanted to write something different then anything i had previously written, and as to there being a lot of words but no real meaning, that is in some parts intentional and in others not, it's hard to create imagery when you're dealing in emotional theory, and obviously i'm not the best at it. I tend to say things that only i will get, never really intending anyone else to interpret it in quite the same way.
I guess to truly get what i was saying you'd have to understand some of my philosophies when dealing with life, and perception. Thankyou for commenting though, it is greatly appreciated.