Post something from it here. Either type up one of your entries or scan/take a picture of a page.

My journal is in my sig

ill type one up i tried to take a picture of one but that didnt' work... its going to be long though cuz i type alot

Im changing the names because its a personal journal and ill use mine but not the names of the other people.

Craig and I were talking today and it came into discussion of why did i find him interesting. there are numerous things but moreover it is his honesty of things and his taking what he says into consideration becuase it may be rude. I find that a very interesting quality, especially in a guy. Most guys you can depend on to not hold back on what they say (normally about sex but even otherwise). but craig* is different. he's considerate and cautious of what he ssaid for the change of being rude which i find very admirable . i like craig an awful lot and thats is pretty much why im writting this journal abou thim

Craig also mentioned today about our deal and asked, "what are we now" as in he and I. We've had a similar discussion before that was about he seroiusness of it all. and then we agreed neither of us wanted to be serious. i just stopped dating jeff and i figure i will want to date around , you know? But now that is our deal is off he was wanting to know, "what are we now" he was like "we were some kind of freak of nature before when you just wanted to hang out with him and maybe screw him , but what are we now" (taken verbatem from a chat we had)

I just gave him the best answer i could . I told him friends i suppose. that we get along enough to be really good friends so i suppose that is what we are. He didn't stick around long after that. i asked him after he said that.. "wouldn't friends be what we are?" all he said was okay , just wanted to clarify , and he said he was easy, whatever you want to call it whatever that means and then he said he was going to eat and he left.

I got to thinking about it after he left because he left so quickly and it has been plagueing my mind since then. i spoke to andrea* about it and she said, she thinks he likes me more than a friend but lets me call the shots. I like him more than a friend but i did say i didn't want anything serious earlier before and he said the same so i figured saying we were friends was the right answer if there is a right answer. he didn't give me a straight answer. when i asked him why he was asking what we were because i believe even though he was just clarifying that there still has to be a motive behind a question like that. i don't want him to keep it from me because as much asmy feelings about not being seroius hold out to be, i would still want to know whether he liked me more than that because if my feelings change i would persue him because i like him as wel. i wouldn't want him to keep such and important factor away from me, because we get along, we have an intense attration, we are respectful of each others feelings.. so its good.

there are some things he says when i talk to him that make me think more of him than just a friend, things that actually make me feel that he really cares. for example the other night the night before we were goign to make plans to meet and for the most part hook up he said to me" you know i would never do anything to hurt you > physically or emotionally, dont' you?" things like that just make me think of him more. i said "don't worry hun i know your sweer and don't want to hurt me" and he just replied back to me "no, i won't hurt you . its really that simple" things he says like that are more of what holds my attention to him and makes me think about him all the time. I don't want anything serious but it comese own to the fct that i like him and if he liked me and wanted me i would want him. i wouldn't want to hide behind masked feelings just because of a few silly words because if the right words are said feelings can be changed . they are just words. who hides bhind words???? he knows i like him and i know he likes me because if we didn't we would have any plands to screw each other to put it vaguely.

i don't need a fortune teller to tell me what attraction i know is there and it bugs me thinking that he isn't telling me his true feelings. if he has any at all for me because i would want to know. it could hurt him if he didn't tell me( i know he did it beore because he mentioned some other girl) and it would hurt me some to if he wasn't completely honest and didn't share his true feelings with me. because what if i meet someone else and that tiem he wanted me and he never told me i would lose whatever the hell we have going on with each other.. i don't kow what it is but i know it is something. just these small things . i don't know what strages thing are planned or destined for he and I but everything happens for a reason through the things that are right for us are set for us to walk our way on our own paths. if things between he and i are meant to be friends that is the path that god has provided, if the path involves us being mroe then ill wait for god to lead he and i together . if it is so chosen to be

^
philisophical bullcrap. LoL


told you it was long

Lets see 9 more days.. .haha then i dont have to face them anymore... it's sad when i think to myself how much i've moved on yet the minute i see his face my heart reshatters into a million sharp bloody shards and i wonder why i ever let it go in the first place.... But that is digressive thinking and i will not allow myself to return to that dark place again... i dont want to be there... i dont want to hurt anymore and i will not allow myself too... only 9 more days and he'll dissapear from my life.. maybe its better that way and maybe one day not in the next year or two but five or ten down the line we'll look back at this and laugh at what naive little children we were to think that it was ever possible to deny a love that was so true... or maybe i'll look back and realize that it wasn't love that there was reason behind my meaningless need to break away. I still don't know why i did and that tears me up inside... but i know that i only sometimes act rashly and never when it came to him... so maybe just maybe there was a reason that i broke it off... maybe it was because he needed it to be able to progress in his life.. and I in mine.. i now have so many different outlooks then i previously did and i have so many more plans for ME... all about me and not him... so yes i'm miserable at this moment in time... well not now but when i see his face smiling so brightly and know that i am not the cause of it. but when his phantom no longer haunts me every day maybe then i'll be able to progress. Actually i know that then i will be able to progress... i'm actually progressing more and more every day finding little things in my life that cause my own enlightenment remember how many people i really have that do love me and worrying about loving myself not whether or not he still loves me... even though the thought still crosses my mind from time to time as to whether or not he does or whether he still thinks about me but then i realize this... OK maybe he does still love me... but first off... he refused to tell me... second... he played games with my heart and head... and third he acts as if i dont exist.. .and maybe yes it is all a game to get me to move on or to fool himself because he is scared... i hurt him i ripped out his heart and threw it in a bloody blender and maybe for that there can be no forgivness but... we'll both move on... I've realized that now... I'm not going to live my life wondering what might have been had i done something different I'm just going to live my life with what will be... who cares what Happened before thats in the past and who cares what may Happen in the future thats then not now... 9 more days and i will be free of the haunting image... 9 more days and i will start to forget... 9 more days and he'll be gone forever... will i regret it? will i miss him? Hell yes i will. But i'll survive..