Soak me with your essence of violence
let it blossom in the flowering meadow of my soul
Embroil me with your fervent aggression
let it coil around my skin in abundance
Consume me with your tempest rage
let it writhe in my veins until they burst with ecstacy
Ensnare me with your formidable anger
let it imbrue my blood with lust
Subdue me with your glorious Wrath
let is melt the subarctics of my frozen heart
Enchant me with your imprecating fury
let it crawl through my mind like a parasite
Embrace me with your brutal assault
let it mark my skin with tangible curiosity
Overwhelm me with your sensual vileness
let it be a scathing scatological sorcery
Rape me with your insidious love
let it become erotic torture and insatiable desire
Devour me, abuse me, mend me, control me,
Let me be your dark abomination
the heat of the secrets you are killing to keep hidden
Let me be your psychotic lover
the soul of your sociopathic desires of sin
Let me be there in your schizophrenic mind forever
Give up the chaos of sanity,
Give in to the rush of apathetic pleasures
'Til death do we part,
You will never be a selict

I guess it flowed pretty well.

The way you have the first part of the poem gets a little redundant, though. When you have each line starting with a verb that you want to be powerful, really they just lose all their power, because the reader stops paying attention to them.

Also, it was a little too dark/crazy, so it seemed a bit cheesey.

It's something to work with, though.

He was crippled,
But only his body was cracked,
It's not simple nore is it an easy matter to explain,
Let's just leave it at that she says,
An closes the holy book of lies,
She covers her eyes,
deniging to herself wot she thought happend

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx caris williams



tyyyyy ttttyyyyy

It was deep and different, i liked it a lot

yes i agree with mister above, it was a good poem. original yet said in the way that is so paticularly you. awesome read. keep it up

Thanks to all of you I appreciate it.

Hey..I liked it.

Interesting. Deep and dark. It does describe being Psychotic though. Psychotic brings hell into someones life. I know that too damn well.

Seems almost like a prayer... a really dark prayer... loved it though

He was crippled,
But only his body was cracked,
It's not simple nore is it an easy matter to explain,
Let's just leave it at that she says,
An closes the holy book of lies,
She covers her eyes,
deniging to herself wot she thought happend

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx caris williams



tyyyyy ttttyyyyy

Make your own thread please without whoring someone elses. :eek2:

I made some changes see what you all think. also ill bve back to critique soon.

i think it was good mate i enjoyed reading it hey keep up the good work

thank you.

Rhythm - 20/20
Structure - 9/10
Vocabulary - 15/15
Title - 10/10

98%

loved it again, beautiful use of everything

"viens 'til they"

make that until, doesnt ruin your rhythm at all

Thanks goodguy, I've missed you.

If there is anything else I would appreciate it because i'm not done working on this one.

Good but with too many spelling mistakes! lol You also need to break it up a bit I think. You could even make it into two non-rhyming sonnets but that would kind of defeat the point of them being called sonnets lol. Impressive use of the word imbrue btw lol.

2nd line - blossoms -> blossom
3rd line - aggresion -> aggression
4th line - abundence -> abundance
6th line - viens -> veins, ecstacey -> ecstacy
10th line - is -> it, subacrtics -> subarctics
16th line - "let it be a scathing scatological of sorcery" scatological is an adjective so not sure about that lol
18th line - tourtuor -> torture

As I say, not sure about that one line, otherwise very good work! Keep it up lol

*ummm... lifeless.. that is a pot leaf on her dress.* very nice poem- dark, lustful and complicated
try to spellcheck next time- the errors take away from the spell of the poem.

Good but with too many spelling mistakes! lol You also need to break it up a bit I think. You could even make it into two non-rhyming sonnets but that would kind of defeat the point of them being called sonnets lol. Impressive use of the word imbrue btw lol.

2nd line - blossoms -> blossom
3rd line - aggresion -> aggression
4th line - abundence -> abundance
6th line - viens -> veins, ecstacey -> ecstacy
10th line - is -> it, subacrtics -> subarctics
16th line - "let it be a scathing scatological of sorcery" scatological is an adjective so not sure about that lol
18th line - tourtuor -> torture

As I say, not sure about that one line, otherwise very good work! Keep it up lol
get rid of the "of" in the 16th line.

thanks for noticing all that so i could fix it. lol.

lol well all I picked up on has already been mentioned. But you could break it down a bit into stanzas. Your choice. Good work though. Enjoyable read :)

He was crippled,
But only his body was cracked,
It's not simple nore is it an easy matter to explain,
Let's just leave it at that she says,
An closes the holy book of lies,
She covers her eyes,
deniging to herself wot she thought happend

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx caris williams



tyyyyy ttttyyyyy

please.
i hope you aren't trying to pass this off as your original work. this is from the movie "thirteen"

Thanks aurebell. I'm not quite sure on how I would want to break it up. any ideas?