The water has evaporated from the glass
The sand has blown from the sidewalk
Nothing exists to help them now
They are two shadows against the sun
Two heroes against the war
And they will be strong and stubborn
The animals have scurried to their homes
All is quiet around them
Yet the war rages on
They are still and errect
Standing quiet and together
They are different from surrounding neighbors
Unique-not in the norm
They are in a war against the people around them
Their affections frowned upon
Their flaws are easily detected
Yet, they are perfect to each other
Perfect for each other
They are the only ones who see this, though
The water has evaporated from the glass
The sand has blown from the sidewalk
Nothing exists to help them now
They are two shadows against the sun
Two heroes against the war

I loved it. The flow was very interesting, the opening and closing with lines that were alike was a good idea for this one.

I discussed with you the message I saw behidn it, even though we both know it isn't the one you meant. Either way I think it's lovely.

Thanks, Jess. This is one of my favorites, really.

Originally posted by TrueConfessions
Thanks, Jess. This is one of my favorites, really.

Mine too.

But I've already told you that lol.

I got the idea that this was about two gay people... Way off? I liked it, but there were a few little things.

Unique-not in the norm

It's a bit redundant, really, as unique people are never in the norm.

Their affections frowned upon
Their flaws are easily detected

Maybe take out the 'are', this way you have

Their affections frowned upon,
Their flaws easily detected

Which in my opinion sounds better,but it's your piece, right?

Oh, and, you know, without sounding like a grammar Nazi or anything, maybe use a little punctuation at the end of lines and stuff, as it makes it easier for the reader as they know when lines carry on through and such.

I liked it, though.

Originally posted by LoquaciousDipso
I got the idea that this was about two gay people...

I thought the same.

Actually, I agree with Frankie on almost all counts. I'd take out the Unique-not in the norm line in its entirety. The line before it is sufficient to get that point across. And along with the idea of tossing in some commas or periods to clarify when a thought ends and when it carries over to the next sentence, maybe don't capitalize the first word of each line? If you do it only where it's the start of a new sentence (as you would if you were just writing sentences instead of poetry), it might be clearer where things break up.
That was my only concern. This is quite good.

EDIT: Last second nitpick: in line ten, there's only one 'r' in 'erect'. Sorry for being overly anal-retentive.

i got bored 1/4 of the way through, and so i thought it was about veterans day or something and soldiers in world war two.

then i went down and read some of the other comments, which then made me go back and actually read it.

and then i realized, that i think it is about two gay men.

my thoughts:

decent.

i think some of the lines are too... clear? almost as if it's being completely spelled out, and there are no new ideas being generated from this piece, only reiterations of what everyone already kind of knows and thinks.

i dont know if that makes any sense.

They are in a war against the people around them
Their affections frowned upon
Their flaws are easily detected
Yet, they are perfect to each other
Perfect for each other
They are the only ones who see this, though

i think you're spelling out the metaphor too much.

if you rework this section, i think you could have a much better poem.

however, if you really like it, then keep it. why change it if it's one of your favourites? if you want to take the chance at... growing somehow and perhaps liking it more, then maybe copy paste it into another document, and try reworking it, saving it, then going back and reading the two and seeing which one you like more. i don't know. i do it sometimes, and it helps.

this is the first thing i've read by you. cool.

Thanks, guys. Looks like you all got a different thing than I was trying to convey, which is pretty cool. This is out of personal expierience, and no, I'm not a lesbian. I'll probably re-work this in some time, while I like it, I do feel that it needs improvement, as does most- if not all- of my work does. Anyway, I'm glad to finally get some real feedback, instead of the usual 'its good' stuff. I know that I'm not that good, that my writing is flawless.