Foreword: I need to get this out of my system, so forgive me. It isn't THAT long, so please read it. This is based on reality.

When I'm alone my mind wanders through the vast expanses of my memories of you. I sit for hours and just pick through my mind, thinking back to the time when things were perfect. Or at least to me they were.

The day you moved to my town. You were so quiet, so intimidating, I admit now I was afraid of you at first. The day you first showed up in my art class was dark and grey outside. A typical December afternoon. Cold, dark, and empty. Everyday after that, no matter what the scene outside, my world was full of sunlight.

What about the Elks Dance in January? The night I realized I liked you. You took time out of your busy schedule to stop and talk to me about the tears flowing from my eyes. A week later, I clued you in on how I felt. We became friends because of that. Most people would regret telling the guy they like about it, but I never have. Who knows if we would have become friends had I not done that? I wish not to think about those times.

All the times you begged me to sit by you in Home Ec, or you called my name from the back of the math classroom. "Jessica! Jessica! Jessica!" you'd repeat over and over until I turned around. You just had to look at me with those eyes of yours, and I was forgetting my arguements against sitting by you, standing up slowly, and coming over to you. Everyday was the same. I couldn't resist you.

That whole summer I thought about you. No other guy could break through the walls and hurt me like Ethan had, not ever again. Well, no one but you, of course.

I remember the first day of Freshman year like it was yesterday. I made it through the first three periods of the day perfectly alright. Not a single sighting of you. That made me very happy. I was hoping I'd get over you after seven months, but when I stepped into that P.E. class right after lunch, I was snapped back to reality. No, you hadn't vanished off the face of the planet. You were standing there, right in front of me, a giant grin on your face. All through class you pointed that stupid laser pointer at me, snickering with all your troublemaker buddies in the back of the gym. As much as I was mad at you for that, you pulled me out of it with just one simple movement. You hugged me for the first time. You lifted me away from all the problems I had with my friends, my low self esteem, and you brought me back to a safe place. Or so I thought.

Safety didn't last long. Pretty soon you were back to playing the games you had the year before. One day I was the only girl you could ever see, kissing my hand and flirting up a storm. I was the girl with beautiful eyes. The next, I was just a shadow of a thought at the back of your mind. Just another stupid girl who fell for your charms.

In November I finally went to one of your football games. I stood out in the freezing cold with a scarf and a hat on, just to watch you play. After the game, in the fading twilight, silver stars beginning to shine, and an empty street before us, we stood and talked. Then, you hugged me, turned away, and disappeared into the darkness. As usual the last image I saw of you was your back. All I wanted to do was call you back and tell you everything. Thank you for being my friend even through all the bitchiness to try and hide how I feel. I realized I loved you at that moment.

December 2nd rolled around. The day before you left for drug rehab actually. I told you how I felt again. I sat through Science, urging the clock hands to move a little faster so I could get your reply. You turned teh corner with the note in your hand, your face frozen with seriousness and your voice so quiet I had to lean in to hear you. I'd never seen you like this. Something wasn't right. I should have seen it then, but I ws too excited about reading the note. I honestly believed you were going to confess you loved me too or some foolish thing like that.

I ran into French to read the note. It didn't say much really. A few simple pleasantries, an apology, and finally teh words that have been stuck on repeat within my head since that moment. "You are a great girl, I can trust you with anything, but I just don't think we could work together. My heart shattered. Then you went away for a month. We haven't talked much since that day.

That was a little over two months ago. You have been clean since that day. You are now homeschooling, and off in love with your girlfriend. You are the guy who broke my heart and didn't even bother to help me pick up the pieces. You tore the rug out from under me just as I had gotten my footing. You are the first person I've ever loved, and you will never be forgotten.

I'm wishing I could be there in your arms, looking up at the stars right now. I want to say how much I miss you, how the halls are emptier now, and P.E. so much quieter. Life just isn't the same without you being at school everyday. I know homeschooling is better, but still. Listen here, I'm begging you not to forget about me...I'd like to think I was more than just a time waster for you. You were everything to me. My life, my world, my love. I know I wasn't any of that to you, but a girl can dream, can she not? I'm not going to lose hope, but I know I should move on for both of our sakes. So this not so little note [Authors note: This is a very extended version of a note that I wrote him, never going to give him kind of thing] is just an "I love you", "I miss you" ,"I'll never forget you" all rolled into one. I don't know what to do anymore, so this will probably be the last note you get from me for a while. I'm pouring out the last bit of my heart that you don't already have now. I doubt I'll know who I am after this.


But until then, I'm just the stupid brokenhearted girl who fell for your charms.

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Epilogue: So, what do you think? Should I give him the shortened version? Any comments? I'd like some ways to improve this! What's good about it, bad?
Thank you.

I promise I'll read this the next time I'm on.

It's just too long for now. Sorry.

I'll be holding you to that promise :)

It seemed a little too narrative. It ruined the emotion. It just made me think '..and then this happened, and then this happened...', you know?

Meh, I'm pretty sure you were going for the narrative effect, though. By all means give him the shortened version, though.

i thought it was AWESOME!

Thanks for the comments everybody...

and Frankie, I get what you are saying. I think you are right, so I'm going to try to work on it a little, because I frankly don't like it the way it is. I'm just planning on giving him the last two paragraphs anyway.

Beautiful.

Print this and mail it to him. I mean it.

I think it was good....but you should move on....did writing that help you get any closure? Don't give it to him, you want someone who only wants friendship from you, nothing more.

"Safety didn't last long. Pretty soon you were back to playing the games you had the year before. One day I was the only girl you could ever see, kissing my hand and flirting up a storm. I was the girl with beautiful eyes. The next, I was just a shadow of a thought at the back of your mind. Just another stupid girl who fell for your charms."

Holy shit, Jessica. If I could only properly articulate to you how much I can relate to that. It's.. creepy.

Anyway, personal psychotic tendancies aside, I really can't offer too much advice as to what to do. I was in a similiar situation - and I screwed it up, no doubt. But then again I didn't love my infatuation. He was simply a best friend. Who liked me first. Who watched me date somebody else. Who turned into an insensitive bastard. I probably deserved it.

All I can really say, is that I hope you find the closure you're looking for. Whether it be closure in the sense of a beginning or an end - anything is better than ambiguity.

Originally posted by WildRoses
I think it was good....but you should move on....did writing that help you get any closure? Don't give it to him, you want someone who only wants friendship from you, nothing more.

Considering I wrote this just over 2 months ago, and posted it the day I wrote it: This is not in the recent events section of the news, thank god. Writing that, bring me closure? No.

You want someone who only wants friendship from you, nothing more.

I hear this all the time, among other things. There are the hopeful, optismistic time, and then there are the you types. I hear it, but I never listen. A part of me still remembers the way he looked at me...a part of me still remembers the kiss on the hand : and a part of me wants that back, and believes it couild happen again.

As foolish as it may sound, that is all I have left of him: Memories. So, even still, I continue to write stuff such as this. Especially with all the times I caught him looking at me the other day when we passed each other at the nail salon, where his girlfriend was getting her nails done.

Or maybe he wasn't looking at me: Maybe he was looking through me. Who knows. Who cares.

Originally posted by ice_angel0587
"Safety didn't last long. Pretty soon you were back to playing the games you had the year before. One day I was the only girl you could ever see, kissing my hand and flirting up a storm. I was the girl with beautiful eyes. The next, I was just a shadow of a thought at the back of your mind. Just another stupid girl who fell for your charms."

Holy shit, Jessica. If I could only properly articulate to you how much I can relate to that. It's.. creepy.

Anyway, personal psychotic tendancies aside, I really can't offer too much advice as to what to do. I was in a similiar situation - and I screwed it up, no doubt. But then again I didn't love my infatuation. He was simply a best friend. Who liked me first. Who watched me date somebody else. Who turned into an insensitive bastard. I probably deserved it.

All I can really say, is that I hope you find the closure you're looking for. Whether it be closure in the sense of a beginning or an end - anything is better than ambiguity.

Thanks, so much for reading and commenting :) This actually made me smile, in an odd kind of way.

That was awesome, Jess. Seriously, I could never write that well. I think maybe the shortened version for him, though. It just seems right.

i think it was deep, and its not often you see a piece of narrative prose in here. its obviously not forced like a lot of poems are, theres too much emotion in it. I really liked it :) P.S i hope u find peace outa that situation

Originally posted by karizma
i think it was deep, and its not often you see a piece of narrative prose in here. its obviously not forced like a lot of poems are, theres too much emotion in it. I really liked it :) P.S i hope u find peace outa that situation


Thanks, I hope so too. Two months have come and gone since I've written this, and its still not overwith yet. But I am hoping soon. THanks for taking the time to read this.

i still love this. i know that i already commented on this, but geez, it still gets me every time. i actually printed this off when i first read it and i still read it once a week or so. i keep it in my binder at school. you displayed so much emotion in this... and i know that it must be hard for you to get over such a thing. this girl is in the same boat! there are some things you may never get over..some people you may love forever and there's nothing you can do about it...loving someone else as much may not be an option no matter how hard you try to force it. anyways, good lucky with this rotten boy you're dealing with... it seems to me like you deserve him, he's the one who doesnt deserve you...

I like the purity and bluntness of this. Silly though it is, some people still try to mask their emotions when writing. They get embarrassed by how they felt, what they thought, and that gives the writing an inaccurate, dead feel. You don't do that. You wrote this with utter honesty, it seems, and I appreciate it for that. Very nice.