I like how this turned out, but in some parts it doesn't flow...as always. The rhythm works in the first stanza, I think, but it kind of breaks up as it goes on. Help? Constructive criticism and comments, please...

Humidity


Water hangs in the air
Like the odor of a dead animal.
Choking, consuming. Breathing becomes
A complex process. Inhale, exhale.
Repeat.

Your words hang in the air
Like a gunshot in the wilderness
Violating, disturbing. Responding
Is tackling a math problem in the last chapter of
The book, the one you never get to.

We sit near the apex of a hill,
Millions of years of rocks piled on top of each another.
Erosion, construction, progress,
Silently eating away at their souls.
Our bodies hang in the air of the night.

The moon violently throws our shadows back
Onto the peak behind us. An early part of Earth’s history
Is preserved in your murky green eyes.
Something primitive and simple.
Something beautiful.

For one fleeting moment,
A cool breeze lingers on the outlines our silhouettes,
Hangs in the air,
And dashes off swiftly into the night.
It is humid again.

I don't like the repetition of "hangs in the air" in the first line of the first two stanzas. Is there a way to reword that?

"Like a gunshot in the wilderness
Violating, disturbing."

I'd put some sort of punctuation at the end of that line...it doesn't flow well, going directly from "in the wilderness" to "Violating".

"Breathing becomes
A complex process. Inhale, exhale.
Repeat."

Just a thought, but "complex" may not be the best word choice. Inhale, exhale, repeat isn't really "complex". I understand the effect you were going for, but it doesn't quite fit, in my opinion...
I'm getting picky, though. You got your point across, it was just what I noticed.


Okay, now that that's out of the way, on to the good stuff.

I liked the first stanza. Just overall, it's nicely done...good flow, nice rhythm. It reads well.

The rhythm, as you said, isn't consistent, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I felt like it evolved naturally through the piece, so it didn't feel awkward or broken. You could go back through it and change it up so that the flow is the same throughout, but I don't think you could pull it off without making it sound forced. I like it how it is.

The imagery is pretty good. Very simple, but it's effective. Not overdone, just some fast allusions and it gets the point across. Kudos.


Overall I liked this one, but for those few catching points I mentioned.
I like your style. Nice job.

Oh yeah, heh, man I'm scatterbrained sometimes. I get so caught up in writing that I fail to notice the simple, really obvious things. I think I had meant to put punctuation there, I was surprised when you pointed it out because I thought I had.

I can see how "hangs in the air" doesn't quite work well with the subjects. How about...

The air is saturated with water
Like the odor of a dead animal.
Choking, consuming. Breathing becomes systematic. Inhale, exhale,
Repeat.

The air is saturated with your harsh words
Like gunshots in the wilderness.
Violating, disturbing.

Does that sound better? By the way, thanks for all your help, I really appreciate it. :)

Very nice indeed.
I know what you mean, you just don't notice little typos and the like. I kind of assumed you had meant to put a period there, but I wasn't sure.

In any case, I like the revisions. "Systematic" replacing "complex" makes that line far more effective, in my opinion.

Good work.

Yes systematic works much much better.

Yay :-D Thanks again.